Big Daddy
by SuddenlySandi
Summary: This is a satire of Edward as a religious man taking Bella as a third wife. She is not the innocent he believes her to be and she is determined to bring the real man into the open.  AH story by SDFreeze
1. Chapter 1

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 1 **

* * *

Chapter: 1

**Edward's sacrifice**

Edward Cullen was a good man; hard working, God-fearing, humble, and the husband of Rosalie and Alice. He made sure his family was well cared for, and didn't condemn them to becoming a calling center for magazine sales. He had an education and a talent as a web designer. Of course he didn't allow his wives to become subjected to the evils of the internet, he waded that cesspool alone.

He was constantly vigilant in his role as patriarch of the home, even going so far as to partake of the fizzy syrup of evil, called soda pop. He had to make sure the commercials didn't fill his family with lies about the goodness of the awful drink. So, he would buy sodas as he traveled for business, to keep one step ahead of the Satan's of Madison Avenue.

In the spirit of protection he tried the harsher liquids also, only to succumb to the temptations of gin, but it was really just grain and berries anyway, so he didn't consider it a sin.

This trip to see a relative, Carlisle Cullen, was more business than pleasure. One of Carlisle's wives had a young niece who had suffered a terrible loss. Her betrothed was found by the hay stack, crushed from the sudden tipping of the bales. Nobody talked about the fact he was found with his tally whacker in his hand. He would be remembered as a kind old man, willing to take on a fifth wife. Carlisle wanted Edward to take her now.

Her name was Bella; he would have to change that. It wasn't humble to have a name that meant beauty. He thought about how Rose had rosy breasts, but surely her parents didn't know that at her birth. And Alice was his little alley cat, and he had the scratches to prove it, but the name Alice was a proper name.

Bella, and her cousin Jessica, peered out the window at the two men discussing her future. They took the conversation outside and out of the earshot of the women, so as not to offend their delicate ears.

"He's cute, Bella."

"He looks too spiritual, too innocent. At least he won't know when I fake my virginity."

"Bella, don't talk like that, no man will want you," Jessica said in horror.

"More like every man will want me," Bella laughed. "At least I don't have to share him with four other women, only two others, so it will give me a lot more action."

"You are headed to hell, cousin."

"Yeah right, there is no hell, well, maybe life with that masturbating old bastard would have been hell," she laughed.

"They're coming back," Jessica yelled and shut the curtain.

The girls waited for the men to call for Bella, and then walked piously to the kitchen. Bella felt her panties moisten at the sight of Edward up close. He was very handsome and she would remember to be thankful in her prayers for the falling haystack. She met his glance by lifting her eyes, but keeping her head down. It appeared to be seductive and that was exactly what she intended.

_Oh holy hell,_ Edward thought when she entered the room. She was worthy of the name Bella and he wouldn't try to change it. She was stunning, and he wanted to throw her onto the table in front of God, Carlisle, and the homely girl standing next to her.

The way she looked at him made his pants tighten, and even though he promised Rose and Alice he wouldn't take a honeymoon, he decided right then and there to get her away so he had her all to himself.

"Hello, Bella," he managed to say, hoping it sounded appropriate and moral, although his thoughts were far from it.

"Hi," she answered, trying to sound very young, as she batted her eyes at him. She brought her finger to her mouth and bit on it shyly as she slowly moved her body from side to side.

Edward licked his lips and Bella smiled knowing her ploy was working.

"Would you like to take a walk with me?" Edward asked her anxiously. He usually wouldn't kiss at a first meeting, but he planned to kiss her long and hard.

"Alone?" she asked as her eyes widened in surprise. "Shouldn't my cousin come with us?"

He knew she was right, but he really wanted to get her alone. She had already been promised to him, so he felt it was his right to feel her warm body against his. The last thing he wanted was the flat faced girl walking between him and his object of desire.

"If you feel it necessary, your cousin may join us," he said with disappointment.

"Hum….I really hate to bother you Jessica, and I guess he seems like a decent upstanding man," she said in consternation.

_I would show her exactly how upstanding I can be_, he thought. _I perform very well up-standing._

Bella led the way from the house toward the walking trail around the fields. She knew exactly where she would lead him, far from the prying eyes of the house. She walked with her hands clasped behind her back, causing her bosom to push forward tightly against her cotton dress.

Edward glanced at her often but his eyes never made it up to hers.

"I like you, Edward," Bella said and pretended to blush.

"May I hold your hand?" he asked, judging her reaction for an invitation to move faster.

She held out her hand, and when he took it into his, she pulled his arm tightly between her breasts and held on with her other hand, also.

He smiled at how willingly such a sweet girl responded to him. "That is a very pretty dress," he complimented her, looking at the top two buttons that were undone. Surely she wasn't aware they had unfastened, although nothing but her collar bone was exposed.

"I hate it," she pouted. "It is so uncomfortable, although I am not complaining. I am lucky to have such a nice dress, it just itches me something awful."

Edward stopped walking and looked around to see the house far from where thy stood. He turned to Bella and ran his hands up and down the fabric pretending to relieve her itching problem. She closed her eyes and moaned loudly as his hands moved to her back and bottom.

She took a step closer to him and slowly drug her body down the length of him and back up becoming aware of how excited she was making him.

"Thank you, Edward, that really helped," she smiled and turned to begin walking again.

_The poor innocent girl has no idea what she does to me_, he thought. _She sees me as a compassionate man wanting to relieve the suffering stiff cotton causes her._

"As you know, Bella, I have considered taking you on as a wife," Edward began, growing impatient with the innocent girl in front of him.

"Only considered?" she said with alarm, trying her best to bring forth a tear.

"I have to know we will be compatible; that you will be able to please me," he explained.

She stopped walking and he moved closer causing her to back up against the wooden railing of the fence.

"Tell me what pleases you, I will do anything," her voice became breathy and his eyes darkened at the unknowing nature of her words. Well, Edward thought they were unknowing.

"May I kiss you, Bella?" he asked already coming towards her mouth.

"I'm not sure how," she said right before his lips made contact.

He put just a small amount of pressure on her mouth and she threw her arms around his neck smashing her body against his causing him to moan. She plunged her tongue into his mouth and lifted her legs to clamp tightly around his waist, as his hands went right to her butt and over the proper white underwear she was wearing.

He pulled her fiercely towards him as he posted her back to the fence. Her tongue fought his for dominance and actually captured his in a tight sucking motion as she pulled away from his mouth.

He was breathing heavily and his hands were all over her backside.

"Are you disappointed?" she asked without so much as a strained tone. Her breathing was slow and steady and she stared into his eyes with concern for his answer.

He had to shake his head to clear his mind and concentrate on speaking. He was thanking his God for the falling haystack and for the heavenly creation he was holding in his arms. Thoughts of Rose and Alice were being stricken from his mind and all he had done was kiss this girl once.

Her legs fell to his side braking free from his grasp and she spun around to bury her head in her arms on the wooden rail. "You don't want me now, because I can't please you," she pretended to cry.

"Wha…huh….no, not at all," he said as he leaned against her back finding the pressure he desired as he pushed into her. "You please me just fine, love."

She pushed her ample bottom back as she continued standing bent over to the railing. "I like it when you call me love," she cooed.

He put his arms around her waist pulling her into him further as he leaned over her back imagining everything he would teach this virtuous creature.

"Do I please you?" he asked her, not really caring about the answer, but worried still the same.

"You make me…..no I can't say it," she said and hid her face again.

He wanted to scream at her, _for the love of everything holy please say it_, _say I make you crazy with desire, say you will do anything I ask you to do_, instead he simply asked her to finish what she wanted to say.

She turned to face him and smiled shyly as she took his hand and placed it on her breast. She took a deep breath filling his hand with her and then closed her eyes. He brought his other hand to her other breast and felt the firmness of them both. His fingers made their way to the two open buttons and he let one hand enter the itchy cotton and filled his palm with her warm flesh.

She sighed loudly and let her head fall back as he kept her firmly against the railing. "Am I supposed to enjoy this, Edward?"

He moved his mouth to her ear and felt the goose bumps raise under his hand. "I hope so, I enjoy it very much," he whispered.

"It makes me want to touch you, am I supposed to want to do that?"

He couldn't help believing he struck gold in this beautiful, innocent girl. He was awakening her body and she was enjoying the expertise he could bring to her. The old man would have never appreciated this angel and he vowed to sneak birth control into her food to keep her perfect body to himself for as long as possible.

Bella smiled knowingly when he buried his face in her neck as she ran her hand along the front of his pants. She loved the feel of his body and he knew how to use it. He was lean and muscular and very agile and she could hardly wait for the pretense of being chaste to end. She had so many plans for this man and almost pitied the other two wives for having to follow her act. She vowed to remain taking her secret birth control pills and let the fun last as long as she wanted.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 2**

* * *

Chapter: 2

**Bella's beckoning**

They went back to the house to make arrangements with Carlisle. Bella sat with a totally masked face through the entire meeting. She noticed how Edward kept touching his feet to hers or rubbing his thumb up and down her back, but her façade never faltered.

Her plan was right on track and she could tell she was driving him crazy already.

When they settled on a wedding date, one month away, Bella looked at Carlisle with wide eyes. "That soon, Uncle," her young voice pleaded.

Edward looked at her in shock. He thought a month was too much time, but Carlisle insisted it would take that long for the women to prepare for the event.

"Do you not want to marry me that soon?" he asked, and then quickly chastised himself for giving her too much control. He was in charge and it was up to him to say when they marry.

"Oh, it's not that Edward, I am very grateful you are willing to take me off my uncle's hands. I am such a burden to him," she said as she reached out for Carlisle's hand.

Edward was suddenly stricken with jealousy. He knew Bella was only related to Carlisle through marriage and he didn't want to think of his relative touching what was his.

"I want to take Bella to my house," Edward interjected. "I would like her to meet Rose and Alice and allow them to help in the planning."

Now it was Bella who was filled with jealousy. She didn't want to meet the other two until she had time to work her magic on Edward in the bedroom. She would be at a disadvantage if she had to keep her hands off him during a power struggle with two other women. She had to come up with some way to turn the situation to her benefit.

"Pack a bag, Bella," Carlisle insisted. "You can leave with Edward in the morning."

Bella smiled politely and went down the hall to pack her clothes. She pulled the itchy dress over her head and threw it on the bathroom floor knowing Jessica would pick it up. Jessica did anything Bella asked her to do. She remained dressed only in her slip, purposely, as she packed up her things.

She pretended not to hear Edward coming down the hallway and leaned over to fix an uneven shoe lace in a pair of sneakers she was packing, causing her cleavage to spill out in front of him as she looked up.

His eyes went straight to the intended destination and he leaned against the doorway for support as he gawked at her. She pulled her hands to her face making sure to leave his view unobstructed and cried out in embarrassment.

"Don't be ashamed Bella," he told her, "We will be married soon. It is okay if I see your body."

"It is?" she said surprised, as she rose from the floor.

Edward nodded and swallowed loudly as she slowly lifted the slip over her head standing only in her panties. He had to cross his arms to keep his hands from reaching out for her. He was barely holding onto his control, and made a mental note to stay away from haystacks when he went out for his needed release tonight.

She picked up a thin cotton nightgown and pulled it slowly over her body covering the heaven he was exposed to. "I'm sorry I'm so shy," she said as her face fell to look at her feet.

He almost laughed at her, but didn't want to do anything to make her rethink her actions. He loved that she thought she was shy and was so willing to please him. He planned on taking full advantage of her sincere innocence the first chance he got.

"We'll work on it," he said and smiled kindly at her. "May I kiss you goodnight, love?"

"Will you lay with me for a minute, I hate the dark," she said using the saddest voice she could muster.

He took a step into the room, closing the door, as she climbed onto the bed making sure she lingered for a moment on all fours as he walked toward her. His hands were clinched into fists and he wanted some of his liquid grain and berries to help calm his mind and body. Bella pulled the covers down and slid inside them letting her nightgown ride up and expose her long legs.

Edward sat on the bed and removed his shoes as Bella rolled the blanket in her two fists to keep from pulling him to her. She was frothing with desire for him and had to remind herself to go slow and let him feel like he was pushing her. This game was getting harder and harder for both of them.

He laid on the pillow next to her and she placed her leg over his body and pulled herself on top of him as she reached for the lamp switch. She was strategically sitting on him as she tugged the small chain sending them into darkness.

When she moved to slide off of him he placed his hands on her exposed thighs holding her still. She placed her hands on his chest and sighed as he gently rocked her body back and forth. Her act was quickly disappearing as her breathing picked up and her moans escaped unplanned.

"Edward, what's happening to me," she managed to breathe as her body moved against her will.

"Bella, this is wrong," he said but didn't let up on his own movements.

Her head fell forward , her hair cloaked them in a veil, and she looked into his wild eyes with her own.

"Do you want me to stop?" she asked, but her ability to use an innocent tone was far gone.

"Hell no," he yelled as he flipped her onto her back and took control of their movements.

She smiled into the darkness and again sang praises to the falling haystack. This man knew what he was doing and she no longer cared what he thought of her actions. She needed him, and he needed her, and that was all that mattered right now. She forced her hands back to the blankets so she wouldn't start removing his clothing and let the feeling he was producing continue to build.

Her body tensed in anticipation and then exploded into incredible spasms as every cell screamed out for him. She had thrown her hand over her mouth to stop the profanity that was reeling in her brain from spilling from her lips.

He collapsed on top of her panting and shaking as she tried to calm her own body. Reality slowly entered their thoughts and he felt horrified while she felt terrified. Both of them struggled with a way to salvage the situation in the other's eyes.

"Was that sex, Edward?" she asked still trying to quiet her breathing.

"Um…that was just a small example, it um…it is a way for me to prepare you for sex," he finally settled with.

"I think I'm going to like sex, at least I think I am going to like sex with you," she said to build his ego.

He wanted to jump from the bed screaming tribute to his amazing fortune. Many men didn't want polygamy. They found it too demanding and too restraining. They didn't want their women changing their bodies with baby after baby and working so hard to provide for stay at home mom's. Edward knew his strengths and dedication would be rewarded and here it was, right in his arms.

"I think I'm going to like teaching you about sex, Bella," he said as he kissed her tenderly.

She covered her laughter with a cough and looked back at him with large innocent eyes. "I hope I get to spend enough time with you to learn. I want you to teach me everything, even things you only dream about."

And there it was, the first nail in the coffin for the other two wives. He would spend the entire month dreaming of things he could do with her, things the other's didn't want to do or were unwilling to do. She had not even walked down the aisle yet and was already the favorite wife.

"Go to sleep, love," he said as he pulled her to his chest and kissed her head.

She closed her eyes and held onto him tightly, smiling as she thought back over her short life. She was the ninth daughter from the fourth wife and it wasn't a position of power. She learned early how to get noticed and it was an act she had perfected.

Her thick dark hair was alluring when it was loose, angelic when pulled into a braid or ponytail. Her dark eyes could widen to appear shocked or lower to become seductive. Even her white skin looked childlike but also taunted men wanting to touch its milky smoothness. She became proficient in moving back and forth between her two personas at will.

When old Mr. Burke wanted to take her on as a fifth wife shortly after her father's death everyone told her how lucky she would be to marry a man past his prime. She didn't feel lucky and swore never to bare a child from the awful man. She began teasing him with her cunning wiles but would never let him touch her. She was sure his trip to the haystack was all her fault, but she didn't mind if Edward was the result.

She didn't believe in heaven and hell and thought Shakespeare was right, all the world was a stage and she was merely a player. She also sensed something in Edward that led her to believe his ethics were slightly mobile, too. He seemed fun, and sexy, and romantic, all she would have to do is win him from the other two and bring his hidden nature to life.

Edward held her and began planning all the things she would add to his life. He wanted to buy her sexy clothes that fit tightly to her body, and take her dancing far from where they lived. He wouldn't allow her to wear the clothes around the house, that would be improper, but maybe on his business trips, when he was force to interact with the sinful world he would bring her along.

He wanted to let her taste champagne, so she could verify to him its evil consequences and strengthen his beliefs. She would be his partner, his companion, in deciphering his way through the evil world. The bedroom would be where he would find out what felt sinful to the flesh and what was allowed in the confines of marriage. He would try things forbidden just to know for himself what it was like and be able to speak to his boys from gained knowledge. Yes, it would make him a much better father and the idea pleased him.

Rose was his first wife, but they married because they were the two best looking people in their small community…and the fact they were not related. After their marriage they moved to a larger polygamist town and it was there he met Alice. She was everything Rose was not. She was bubbly and happy all the time, which was quite a feat coming from such an abusive home. Her energy was a little too much for Edward sometimes and he would retreat to the calm silent world of Rose. Bella would be the perfect blend of the two.

He hoped Bella was good with children. Rose had two large strapping boys with dark hair and deep dimples. Alice had a girl with blond ringlets and big blue eyes. None of the children looked like Edward, and that thought never seemed to cross his mind.

Bella's body finally relaxed in his arms and her breathing was slow and steady. He knew it was time to leave her bed, her room, her company, but he couldn't force himself to do it. What kind of man would he be to leave her alone in the dark that she feared so much? She was his responsibility now, morally if not yet legally. He would stay to get her through the night, possibly earning more touches as a reward.

He gently rolled her onto her side and put his arm around her waist pulling her against his chest . His hand wandered to the warmth between her curled knees and he left his hand there as he dreamed of her.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 3**

* * *

Chapter: 3

**Cherry Tootsie Pops**

Bella had Jessica put her hair into one long French braid trying to look as young as possible. She made sure to place a big bobble ring on her finger to put her plan into action on the ride home. Her simple cotton dress was buttoned clear to the top with a peter pan collar to finish the look. Anyone seeing them traveling together would assume Edward was her older brother or possibly her father.

She carried her bag into the kitchen and smiled innocently at Edward. He gasped at how young she looked and wanted to clarify with Carlisle she was indeed nineteen. He felt dirty for the things he had done with her and ever dirtier for the things he was planning to do.

He walked her to the passenger side of his extended cab truck and took his time placing the seatbelt in proper position. He couldn't have her getting hurt if he suddenly hit the brakes now could he? She lifted her hands arching her back causing her breast to hit him in the ear.

"Are you happy to be coming with me?" he asked her placing a chaste kiss on her cheek.

"How long is the drive," she asked without answering his question.

"It is about six hours, but we'll make plenty of stops," he assured her.

"I love road trips," she said looking up from her lashes.

He wanted to pull out of the drive way and to the side of the road for the first stop, but he was sure Carlisle wouldn't approve. He shook hands with his Carlisle and thanked him for his hard work on his behalf. Bella lifted her hand out the window allowing Carlisle to kiss it lightly before Edward hit the gas.

They drove the first few miles in silence, until Bella finally asked if he had any music. He turned on the CD of proper choir music he kept in the player and Bella's face turned sad. Edward drove a little longer before asking a favor.

"A client gave me a CD. I would like for you to listen to it and tell me if it is worldly or not." He reached into the glove box and pulled out a notebook with a CD hidden inside. She immediately recognized the band as U2 and laughed loudly.

"It's awful Edward, I'm shocked," she said and then turned her head slightly and began singing along with the song 'Bloody Sunday.'

"I will be sure and throw it out when we arrive," he promised.

After more than an hour he pulled over for gas. "Would you like a lemonade?" he asked, already planning to fill his cup with Mountain Dew.

Bella shook her head but bit her lip as if she was trying to keep from asking for something.

"I want to buy you something, what would you like," he pushed.

"Can I have a cherry tootsie pop?" she said sheepishly.

He smiled and thought how typically Bella her request was. Something so innocent that could be construed as provocative. He couldn't find a single sucker so he bought her a small package of them.

Her eyes lit up and she clapped her hands in delight. "Oh Edward, you spoil me!" She was already planning on offering the children one of the suckers to win them over before their mother's could teach them to hate her. She really didn't care what those bitches thought, but the kids were vital co-conspirators.

They headed back onto the highway and Bella ran her fingers through her hair, catching the braid on the large ring, and pulling it from its styled position. "Ow," she cried out as she untangled the loose section. She pulled the string holding the braid and allowed her hair to fall into sexy curls around her head.

"Can I let my head rest a bit, that really hurt," she said as she rubbed her head.

"You have beautiful hair," he commented as he stared at her with desire.

She resituated herself facing him slightly causing the seat belt to strain between her breasts and unwrapped one of the suckers. Her gaze was just beyond his head making sure he had a clear view of her titillating way of moving the candy in and out of her mouth.

She waited until she was sure he was watching to meet his look. "I'm being so rude, would you like a taste, Edward?"

He smiled as she unhooked the seat belt and moved to his side facing him. She held up the sucker and said, "Stick out your tongue."

He laughed and leaned his head toward her with his tongue out. She leaned to the side, so she wouldn't block his view of the road, and instead of placing the sucker on his tongue, she stuck out hers and ran it over his, covering him with the taste of cherry Bella.

He pulled back in stunned silence and she scooted back to her side and giggled innocently. He saw a service road and exited the freeway just barely making the turn at his high speed. She was tossed into him and he pulled under some trees to see if she was okay.

"I'm sorry, Bella, are you okay?" He pulled her to him in the pretense of checking for injuries.

She pulled her leg over his body and straddled him as she laughed. "That was fun, it was almost like a carnival ride, or what I assume carnival rides would be like," she quickly saved.

Her hair was wild around her head and he eyes were bright from the adrenalin. Her chest heaved in his face as he let his hands move up her legs under her dress. She stared into his eyes as she took a long lick of her sucker watching him lick his lips in eagerness.

"Do you think I'm a baby for wanting candy?" she asked seductively.

He shook his head back and forth unable to answer with his voice.

"I just like things I can lick," she said as she giggled.

Edward threw his hand into her hair and pulled her aggressively to him kissing her roughly. She tasted of cherry and he opened his mouth widely covering her entire mouth. She pushed up on her knees tilting his head back to keep contact with her mouth and grinded into his chest as his hands held her ass tightly.

She pulled away from his mouth and stared down at him and smiled playing with the sucker on her tongue as his hands moved to where she was wanted them. "Do you like touching me, Edward?" she said as if asking about the weather.

"Oh, God yes," he answered.

She smiled with the red flavoring lightly staining her teeth. "That's blasphemous, Edward."

"I'm sorry my angel," he smiled back at her.

Her smiled turned into a frown and he wondered what he said to offend her.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"You shouldn't call me an angel when your hands are where they are," she corrected him.

He pulled his hands from inside her panties and looked stricken with guilt. She sat back balancing on the steering wheel and put the sucker back into her mouth for a second and then leaned in to speak in his ear. "I said to stop calling me angel… not to remove your hands."

He was so confused and frustrated that he wasn't quite sure what to do. He sat with his hands in the air and his mouth open so she climbed off his lap and dropped her head in her arms over her knees.

"I'm sorry, Edward. You must think I am evil, I just want to make you happy so badly."

He cleared his throat and leaned his head back on the seat and closed his eyes. "I don't think you are evil, Bella. I think you are a gift from God and I am lucky to have you."

She lifted her face towards him, "Really?" she asked.

"I'm counting the moments until we are married; you have no idea how desirable you are."

"Me?" she giggled and shook her head in disbelief.

He reached out and ran his finger down her cheek and she turned her head quickly to capture it in her mouth and sucked on it hard. He watched her as tears formed in his eyes.

"Are you sad, Edward?"

"Yes, I am sad that I have to wait a month to marry you," he admitted.

"If you tell me what to do I can try to make you happy right now, what would make you happy?"

She moved back to his side facing him as he struggled with his choice of words. She ran her hand down his chest and kept going when she reached his belt. "Does this make you happy?" she asked trying to sound serious.

He moaned loudly and closed his eyes so she unbuckled his belt. "Bella," he warned, but stopped short of asking her to quit.

"Look at me," she insisted with such force his eyes sprang open.

She stared at him as she pushed her hand inside his jeans, the other hand bringing the sucker back to her mouth. When she squeezed him his eyes rolled back and she left the sucker in her mouth and reached out to grab his hair and pulled his head back up to look at her.

"Don't shut your eyes again," she demanded making him harder in her hand.

His breathing was labored and he was panting as he watched her move her hand in his pants to the rhythm of the sucker in her mouth. He finally unzipped the jeans and moved to cover himself, but she pushed his hand away and held her dress over him to catch the explosion as he screamed out her name.

His arms and legs fell like limp noodles as he tried to calm his mind. He was afraid to open his eyes and face her. This young girl had rendered him totally without control and he felt weak and sinful. He needed to regain his dominance, but feared it was forever gone where she was concerned. He never allowed any contact except a kiss before marriage with his other wives and didn't know what it was about her that made him so powerless.

"Edward, I don't know what to do with this?" she said causing him to look at her holding her dress into a balled up pile on her lap. She was only wearing the slip again and her face was flushed with her own unattained satisfaction.

"Throw it out, I'll buy you a new dress," he said feeling powerful again.

She opened the truck door and threw it as hard as she could into the woods and turned back to his relaxed form lounging on the seat. "Thank you, Edward that is so nice of you to buy me a dress."

His mind was filled with confusion. She was a young innocent girl one moment and turned into a seductive woman in the next. He felt confounded by her and wasn't quite sure what to do. He reached back for her bag and pulled out another dress. This one was not as childlike as the one she threw away.

She quickly put it on and pulled her hair back into a loose braid running down her back. She looked to be in her middle twenties and he marveled at the difference. She buckled her seat belt and turned to giggle at him as she put the sucker back in her mouth.

He reached over and pulled it from her lips and out of her hand and tossed it out the window. "No more damn suckers," he announced with authority and started the truck.

"Okay," she said as she turned her head toward the window and smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 4**

* * *

Chapter: 4

**Daddy's home**

They pulled up in front of the large house meticulously manicured with windows so clean they sparkled. Bella was sure one of the women had OCD and she knew a confrontation would be coming quickly when she moved in and began throwing her things around.

They walked in through the front door and Bella found that odd. It was like Edward was a visitor in his own home. She hid the suckers in her dress pocket and put on her most innocent smile. A tall blond woman came into view first and walked slowly to Edward and kissed his cheek like he was her elderly grandfather.

"Bella this is Rosalie, you may call her Rose," Edward instructed.

Rosalie nodded without speaking and looked her up and down feeling superior in every way. Bella laughed inside. She knew Rose's type, so uptight and too afraid of messing up her hair to let loose in the bed. This one was easy.

Alice came walking down the large wide staircase at a fast pace and ran right up to give them both a tight hug. This woman worried Bella and she tried to find something seductive and not just energetic in Alice.

When they introduced the children Bella pulled the suckers from her pocket and then froze. "Do you allow them to have sugar?" she asked innocently.

Both women looked at Edward and his face turned bright red, but he nodded his approval. It was fool proof and the kids were instantly her best friends. When it became time for dinner, the women asked Bella to help them prepare; wanting the chance to get her alone so they could question her thoroughly.

Edward excused himself to shower and Rose and Alice looked at each other in surprise. "Doesn't he usually shower before dinner?" Bella asked trying to sound innocent.

They both refused to answer and it gave her more information than they intended. Bella offered to cut up the salad as they made the spaghetti and rolls. She was grilled by each woman and answered as vaguely and as innocently as she could. She even managed a tear or two when she told them about her other fiancé.

She washed her dishes as she worked and was careful to put all the ingredients away after cutting what she needed. On her final pass to the refrigerator both Alice and Rose were setting the table so she dropped the small puddle of soap she was hiding in her palm into the spaghetti.

"You are wonderful cooks, it smells delicious," Bella said as she took her place. She knew it was hers because all the dishes matched except for one set. They were good at reminding her she was only a visitor at their table.

They all held hands and the two boys each smiled as they reached for Bella's. She was placed far from Edward and knew the rule of earning a spot close to him. She tickled the boys fingers with hers before taking their hands and both continued to smile at her during the prayer.

Edward offered the prayer and Bella found her mind wandering several times until he spoke her name. She winked at the two boys and went back to wishing he would hurry the hell up.

Rose dished the food and casually mentioned there was salad if anyone desired any. Bella remained quiet and busied herself buttering her roll as everyone else dug in to eat. Edward spit the food halfway across the table causing the kids to break out into loud laughter.

"If this was done on Bella's behalf I am ashamed of both of you," he said sternly.

"What?" Bella asked with her carefully cultivated innocent look.

"I don't know what happened," Alice cried in shock.

Rose grabbed the bowl and quickly tossed it in the sink.

"Is the salad okay, Edward?" Bella asked as she stared at it in mock fear. He took a bite and nodded his head.

"You can eat my salad," Bella said earnestly to the boys, "I hope it will be enough."

They eagerly dug in shocking all three parents. Edward ate without speaking but his anger was evident. Alice and Rose tried to engage Bella in conversation but her pretend sorrow had them each grasping at straws.

When Edward excused the children Bella stood to clear the dishes. Rose grabbed a dish from her hand and said in haste, "You're our guest, Bella."

Bella let her well practiced tears fall easily as she looked at Edward with sad eyes. "I want to be one of the family, not just a guest, please allow me to help."

"I'm taking Bella for a walk," Edward growled and grabbed her hand pulling her from the house. The sound of a breaking dish was heard just as the door shut behind them.

"I'm sorry, Bella, they usually don't act like this," Edward apologized.

"It's okay; they must really love you to be so mean to me."

He pulled her to his chest and ran his hand lightly down her back. "You are nice to me and that is all that really matters," she said before kissing his chest.

"It matters to me how you are treated within the walls of my home. I will take care of it, I promise."

He took her hand and they walked down the street stopping to meet various neighbors working in their yards. Bella gave an Oscar worthy performance of just the right mixture of innocence and unfamiliar awkwardness. Edward was proud to introduce her as his third wife and many of the neighbors remarked on his generosity in taking on the added burden.

It was getting dark when they returned to the house and Bella asked if she could take a bath. Edward showed her to what would soon be her room with her own bathroom. She hugged him tightly thanking him for being so kind and loving. His chest swelled with pride as he headed off to spend time with his kids before bed.

Bella took her time unpacking her things and brushing out her hair before drawing a bath. She purposely left the bathroom door open in case Edward returned to her room. She was shocked when it was Rose and Alice who came in instead.

Bella remained seated in the tub of bubbles as the women walked it to confront her. "We are not buying your whole routine," Alice said.

"What routine?" Bella asked.

"The Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm act you have going on," Rose answered.

"Why are you so mean to me?" Bella asked as she summoned the ever ready tears.

"Give it a rest," Alice demanded. "We know you come from a polygamist family so you know all the tricks."

"You have no idea who you're playing with little girl," Rose threatened.

Bella laughed and stood in the tub letting the bubbles melt down her perfect body. "You're both old news, I can't help it if Edward prefers fresh meat," she giggled at them as they looked at her flat stomach and perky breasts.

"You may have youth on your side but we have experience. We know what Edward wants and what he likes, you can't even come close to competing with us," Rose said as her voice grew higher and higher.

Bella made her eyes into innocent saucers and her lips pout just a bit before saying, "I guess he will just have to teach me."

Alice flew from the room in a rage followed closely by Rose. Bella sat back into the water and added soap to her eyes to bring on a full faucet of tears. That was the way Edward found her. He knelt by the tub and pulled her into his arms begging her not to cry.

"I'm trying so hard to fit in and they say such mean things to me," she sobbed.

"What did they say, love?"

She lifted her head to let her red eyes work his sympathy as she spoke softly. "They said I won't be able to please you, promise me you will teach me. I would rather die than not know what to do to bring you pleasure."

"Oh sweet Bella, I promise, you will know every single way to bring me pleasure." He could already think of a couple of hundred and was sure internet searches could bring up more. She had no idea what she already did for him as she sat innocently covered in bubbles, wet and silky in his arms.

"Can you hand me a towel," she asked him.

He stood and turned to get a towel from the rack and turned back to find her standing naked with her arm out for it. He gasped at the sight of her and she quickly covered herself.

"You said it was okay to see my body, are you mad, Edward?"

"No, I'm not mad, I was just surprised." He stepped forward and began drying her body and he stared intently at every inch of her flesh. When he reached her legs she lifted one up on the rim of the tub and just as he began drying the most sensitive spot she asked, "May I join you all for family prayers tonight?"

His hand quickly moved the towel down her leg and he cleared his throat, "Sure, If you like."

She stepped from the water and stood directly in front of him and smiled as her wet hair dripped down to the floor. "I like it here, Edward; you will be a wonderful husband."

He leaned over to kiss her and she pressed against him causing him to deepen the kiss. She ran her fingers through her hair as his moved over her firm body. The sound of someone's throat clearing sent him flying away from her. She remained standing totally nude as she stared at Rose.

"The kids are ready for their prayers," she said angrily to Edward.

"I will be right down," he said authoritatively.

She turned to Bella and smiled disingenuously, "Please dress appropriately for prayer."

"I can come?" Bella asked sounding like a child winning a trip to Disneyland.

"Of course you can come, love," Edward said as he made his way past her to change into dry clothes.

Rose stood a little longer and mouthed, 'you bitch' to Bella.

Bella lifted both hands extending her middle fingers and said sweetly, "Thank you, Rose, that is so kind of you."

Bella arrived in the family room wearing a robe and slippers with her hair still dripping. She swung the wet locks at the boys causing them to laugh and run over to sit by her. They all gathered around the coffee table and Bella ran a sharp ring over her knee as she sat.

Edward said the prayer again and Bella looked around the room making sure to keep a pained look on her face as she stared with curiosity at the decorating. She turned back to the circle to see Alice glaring at her. When Edward finally finished blessing everything but the garden hose the family said their amen's in unison.

"Bella, we close our eyes when we pray, just so you know for next time," Alice chastised.

"I'm sorry someone was scratching me and I didn't want to interrupt Edward's beautiful prayer."

"Someone was hurting you?" he asked astonished.

Bella pulled back her robe to show the light line of blood across her kneecap and Edward fumed at his wives. "I won't stand for this, you are worse than children," he yelled.

"Come with me, Bella, I'll fix your knee." He led her to his room and sat her on his bed as he cleaned the minor cut as if it was a severed limb.

"Can I tell you something, Edward?" she whispered to him.

"Yes, love, anything."

"I'm afraid to sleep in my room alone." She let her head hang as if her confession was a great sin.

"Sweetie, you can stay here with me," he said as he rose to pull down the covers.

Bella walked to the door to close it and smiled at the two women staring in shock. "Thank you, Edward, I feel safe with you," she said as the door closed.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 5**

* * *

Chapter: 5

**Bella of the Ball**

The next day Edward sat across from Bella at the table, with Rose on one side of him, and Alice on the other. Alice had her hand in Edward's and Rose had her arm draped over his shoulder, both women smiling smugly at Bella. She didn't care; her foot was firmly planted on his chair right between his legs.

They were discussing the wedding and Bella pretended to need all the help Rose and Alice could give.

"Do you need a dress?" Alice asked, willing to shop for one if needs be.

"I have an old dress of my grandmothers. I think it should fit."

Rose and Alice looked at each other knowingly, an old dress would be easy to upstage. They helped her choose colors and what food would be served, but when Rose offered to make the cake Bella protested. She was not about to spend her wedding night with diarrhea.

"My cousin Jessica would be so upset if she couldn't make the cake. It is kind of her specialty," Bella lied.

"It's settled then," Edward announced. "Now, about the honeymoon…."

"What honeymoon," Rose and Alice said in unison.

Bella produced her 'scared little girl' face and then ducked her head with embarrassment.

"I need to spend some time alone with Bella. It won't be long," he assured them, but secretly planned to stay as long as it took to try out at least half of what he had been dreaming about.

"Didn't you already spend time alone with her last night," Rose said sarcastically.

Bella raised her head and let her mouth drop open in shock. Edward's anger was evident when he turned to speak quietly to Rose.

"I don't like what you're implying, Rosalie. I only comforted Bella last night for the harsh treatment she has received in my home, don't be obtuse."

"I'm sorry, Edward, it was wrong of me," she said, and then leaned in for a quick kiss.

Bella readjusted her foot bringing Edward's eyes quickly back to her and causing Rosalie to leave the table in a huff.

"I'm taking Bella home today, and I have a business trip. Are we all on the same page for the wedding?" Edward asked suddenly.

Bella was worried about the decision to take her back so soon and wondered if she had pushed things too far for Edward's sense of decency. She decided to be on her best behavior for the trip home and not try to entice him any further.

She stared out the window as he drove, neither one of them feeling the need to talk. He worried she was changing her mind about wanting to be with him, even though the arrangement was already settled. She stressed over her next move. The trip seemed much shorter this time and Bella even slept part of the way without feeling Edward touch her at all.

When the truck pulled to a stop Bella's scared eyes were real this time. "Are you mad at me, Edward? Did I do something wrong?"

He smiled at her concern and she smiled back in relief. "I'm only worried you didn't enjoy yourself in my home."

"I don't care about your home," she said honestly. "I only care about you."

"I'm falling in love with you, Bella," he admitted in a moment of weakness.

Her smile grew and she lowered her eyes causing his body to tingle. "Prove it," she challenged him.

He pulled her across the seat into his arms and kissed her passionately. She let herself go to be guided by him and was amazed at the depth of his expertise. _Surely he wasn't taught this technique from the two ice queens he married,_ Bella thought, _it must be own abilities. _She suddenly wished the wedding was sooner.

It was eight days away from the wedding when Bella met Mike Newton on the path behind the field. It would be their last encounter and she promised him to make it count. But when he pawed at her and kissed her with wet sloppy kisses she pulled out of his arms in disgust.

"Go home, Mike, I don't want you to touch me anymore."

"Why, you always like my touches," he whined.

"You're only a boy, you don't know what you're doing," she said harshly.

"Then you show me, you have more experience than most men in this county," he said hatefully.

She began to pull out her offended, hurt face, but didn't even make the effort. She laughed and turned to leave.

"Does your husband know what he's getting?" Mike yelled after her.

"He's getting a hell of a lot more than you're gonna get," she said as she flipped him off.

Edward closed a big business deal just in time to bring in money for an extended honeymoon. He wanted to take her somewhere he wouldn't be judged, or watched, so he chose a remote cabin in the Rockies. If she turned out to be less adventurous than he thought, although he seriously doubted it, he would be able to cancel anytime during the month.

Rose and Alice noticed how distant he was growing, but didn't seem to mind too much. Rose was working on a colorful 'duties' chart for Bella, letting her know what chores were hers and what nights she got Edward. Sunday was his day of 'rest' and none of the women expected him in their room on that night.

Alice was busy making table decorations for the wedding being sure they were nice without being too nice. She walked past Edward's office and he called her in.

"How are you doing, Alice? I'm afraid I have been rather distracted lately," he admitted.

"You concentrate on what you need to and don't worry about us. I have to meet with the butcher to go over the change in our standard order, since we will be adding another person," she smiled and touched his cheek lightly.

"Okay, be sure and tell Jasper I said hello," he smiled back.

"Of course," she said and left the room.

Bella arrived the evening before the wedding and instructed Edward to remain out of sight. He stayed with a neighbor and let the women have the house to themselves. Jessica marveled at the lap of luxury her cousin would be living in and wished Edward would be willing to take on a fourth wife.

Bella made sure to leave her wedding dress in the car and only brought in a thin garment bag with the slip inside the house. Rose and Alice stared at the simple silk thing and laughed to themselves.

It was late when Bella snuck into the garage to try and bring in the gown, but screamed when she ran into Rose and a man standing in the dark.

"I'm sorry," Bella laughed holding her heart. "I didn't see you there."

Rose seemed terribly flustered arousing Bella's suspicions even further. "Um…Bella this is Emmett, he lives on the farm south of here. He supplies all of our dairy products….um fresh dairy…yea, um…for the kids."

"Hello, Emmett," Bella said as she took notice of his deep dimples and dark curly hair.

"Hi, welcome to the pack," he laughed.

Bella liked him, he was friendly and funny and nothing like Rose. "Well, I'll leave you two alone so he can deliver the cream," Bella said trying to sound perfectly serious.

Rose came back into the house to find Bella waiting with her arms crossed. "The milkman? Seriously?"

"What do you want?" Rose asked, ready to negotiate.

Bella smiled and shook her head back and forth. "I'll get back to you on that."

The crowd of relatives began arriving early, everyone bringing something to help with the food or decorations. A pot luck wedding was not something Bella was proud of, but it was the way their community functioned.

Bella remained hidden in her room, not even allowing her mother to enter. Jessica worked diligently on her hair making a ring of curls cascading down Bella's back. With only half an hour to go a letter slid under the door from Edward.

Bella grabbed it and ran to the bathroom to read it alone. "Come on Bella, what does it say?" Jessica begged her.

"It's private, but I will read you one line…let me see….love…forever…yada yada yada….oh okay, here it is, I think you are the answer to all my dreams and I can't wait for us to be alone tonight."

"It only means he's horny," Jessica pointed out.

"You are so stupid, Jessica, it means so much more than that. He is dreaming of me, not Rose, not Alice, me!"

"Why did you agree to be a third wife if you want him to yourself?"

"It isn't fun to just get the man, you have to take him away from other women to make it interesting," Bella giggled.

"You don't love him?" Jessica asked shocked.

"I don't even know him, don't be so dramatic, Jessica, although he is really cute and really, really sexy."

"You are going to burn in hell for sure," Jessica said.

"Help me get into my dress," Bella said as she pulled it from the bathroom.

Jessica gasped and looked horrified. "You can't wear that! It's prideful."

"I don't give a damn, it is what I'm wearing," Bella said adamantly and began trying to step into the huge princess gown.

She looked like Cinderella going to the ball, and was sure Rose and Alice would look like the ugly step sisters next to her. A light knock on the door signaled everything was ready and Jessica was handed a bouquet of wildflowers to give to Bella.

"Throw them in the trash," Bella demanded as she grabbed and arrangement of silk roses from a pot in her room. Jessica quickly tied the ribbon from the wildflowers around the rose stems and stood back to take a look.

"You look like a princess, Bella."

"One last thing," Bella said as she handed a tape to Jessica. "Put this in the player when I start down the stairs."

"What is it; I don't want my dad yelling at me."

"Carlisle will love it, don't worry," Bella said with confidence.

Jessica ran from the room and Bella took a deep breath and looked in a mirror. She knew how lucky she was to dodge the bullet and not have to marry old man Burke, but she hit the jackpot with Edward. She really did want to make him happy and was sure she would be able to.

She headed down the stairs and Jessica put the tape in the player and ran to her seat. Just as the song _Iris_ by the Goo Goo Dolls began to play Bella stepped out the door. The loud gasp was in reaction to the song and the dress.

Alice and Rose stood mortified and looked too stunned to move in their simple sequined dresses. Bella walked slowly down the aisle as she looked directly at various people causing the women to look away and the men to smile.

Bella laughed when she caught the eye of a tall man with curly blond hair and bright blue eyes; just like the little thing standing next to Alice. _Ah ha,_ she thought, _Alice liked to play, too_.

The thought struck Bella that she would never have to lift a finger for housework for as long as Rose and Alice stayed in the house. At that point she finally noticed Edward. He was wearing a simple suit but he was wearing the hell out of it.

Bella's smile widened and she walked faster towards him. He couldn't keep his feet planted to wait for her. He stepped forward taking her hand and wishing the yard full of people would disappear.

"You look stunning," he said.

"You look hot," she whispered and his hand tightened around hers.

The ceremony was quick and simple just like the food and the decorations. The only extravagant thing was Bella's dress and people whispered to each other with disapproval.

"That is your grandmother's dress?" Rose asked in disbelief.

"One of my grandmother's, you know how we are all related somehow? She is thirty or something like that," Bella stated.

"I'm sure you made her proud wearing it today," Edward offered.

"It will be very difficult to remove," she frowned as if the task was something that needed a lot of thought.

"Don't worry, love, I will assist you," he said, being the gentleman he was.

Bella giggled and leaned into his ear to whisper, "When can we get out of here?"

"Eat something, love, you're going to need your energy," he said raising his eyebrows.

Bella reached for a carrot stick and put it in her mouth closing her lips around the vegetable and slowly pulling it from her mouth.

"We have a long drive ahead of us, so we are heading out," Edward called to the crowd. "Please stay and enjoy the food."

Bella ran up the stairs pulling Edward with her to change into some more appropriate travel clothes. He untied the laces on the back of her dress and moaned when she stepped out of the massive gown in just a corset.

She grabbed a loose fitting cotton gingham dress with a lace collar and threw it on over the corset. Edward's smile lessened as he looked at her seeing the young little girl she appeared to be sometimes. She laughed and quickly lifted her dress flashing him the corset and thong bringing the full blown smile back to his face.

He grabbed her suitcase and they headed down the stairs to a houseful of well wishers following them to his truck. Bella hugged Rose and whispered into her ear, "I'll keep him away as long as possible, enjoy the dairy products."

She then turned to Alice, learning during the reception the familiar looking man was the butcher. "Enjoy the meat, and tell the butcher I look forward to meeting him." Alice's face turned bright red and she pulled her daughter a little closer.

Edward kissed each woman and assured them both of his love before turning to Bella and lifting her into his arms to carry her bridal style to the truck. Her dress ballooned allowing the crowd a perfect view of her exposed ass.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 6**

* * *

Chapter: 6

**Like a Virgin**

They drove at a fast pace towards the cabin outside of Yellowstone National Park planning on spending the night in Boise. Edward handed Bella a sip of his grain and berries energy drink and was shocked when she took a long swig.

"Have you tasted gin before," he asked her.

"What's gin?" she asked innocently.

"It is a special drink used for medicinal purposes to calm nerves," he explained.

"I better have more because I am pretty nervous," she said as she threw her head back and downed the drink.

It wasn't long before she was inching her way closer to him. He placed his hand along the inside of her knee and she began pulling her dress up higher and higher at a deathly slow pace. He was watching the progress of her dress as he tried to watch the road, finally giving up and pulling into a motel in Pendleton, Oregon.

Edward went into the office to get a room key as Bella poured more gin into his drink cup and drank it down. She was feeling very calm and very frisky when he carried her into the room. He poured more gin and drank it faster than she had. She noticed how if didn't burn his throat or phase him at all.

"Bella," he said seriously, "Do you know what a condom is?"

"Like when a man goes to prison?" she answered.

"Not condemn, but condom."

She shook her head and furrowed her brow in mock confusion. She knew exactly what he meant and wanted to show him how she could place one in total darkness, hanging upside down, with her teeth.

"I don't think it would be wise to have a baby right away and a condom would keep you from becoming pregnant. It is not something I would normally consider, since a baby is a blessing from God, but I want to get your body strengthened before you carry a baby." He pulled some pills from his pocket and handed them to her.

"These are vitamins I want you to take every day," he stated.

_Hum_, she thought, _one looks an awful lot like my birth control pills._

She grabbed the pills and swallowed them with more gin then turned to Edward. He reached out and pulled the dress over her head and tossed it on the television. Bella walked over to the radio and turned it on before asking him if he minded. She assured him it was to help her relax and he approved, for this one time, as she began moving seductively to the beat.

She danced over to him and began unbuttoning his shirt as he took a long drink right from the bottle this time. She pulled the shirt down his arms and stopped halfway pinning his arms down and moved to stand behind him. Her small hands came through his arms and she began undoing his pants. He swayed a bit and hissed when she flattened her hands and rubbed them up and down his chest and abdomen.

He tried to reach out for her but his arms were still stuck in the shirt and she giggled as she pushed him onto his back on the bed. He pulled on his arms popping the button on the cuff right as she climbed on top of him. She had the bottle in her hand and took a long drink holding some in her mouth as she leaned over and let it drip slowly into his.

With his arms finally free he frantically pulled on the corset ripping it from her body. She sat perfectly still as she smiled down on him.

"Tell me what you want," she said as she licked her lips.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said taking deep breaths.

"I'm resilient, tell me," she pushed him.

"We have to go slow and careful, Bella," he said trying to convince himself.

"I would rather we go fast and hard."

He grabbed the bottle from her hand and took another drink before pulling her down to his mouth and then rolling her beneath him. He kicked off his pants and showed her the condom in his palm.

"Is that candy?" she asked causing him to laugh.

"No, this is to cover my penis, so you don't get pregnant."

Her eyes widened and she smiled at him. "Can I do it?"

He offered a silent prayer as she ripped the wrapper with her teeth.

"You just hold the sides and roll it downwards," he instructed.

"Can I look at you first?" she asked trying to make her voice sound shaky.

He pulled his boxers off and thought he heard her exclaim, "Sweet Jesus," before getting on her knees and scooting to the edge of the bed in front of him. He closed his eyes to mentally prepare for the feeling of the condom touching him when a totally different sensation, which he was not mentally prepared for, hit him instead.

Bella leaned over and licked up the length of him causing him to fall backwards against the small table behind him.

"I'm sorry," Bella gasped making sure he was alright before continuing. "I told you I like to lick things."

Edward wanted to write Bella's mother a thank you letter for never speaking to her daughter about the evils of oral sex. He would make sure Rose and Alice never clued her in.

"It's fine, love, I just wasn't prepared. It shocked me that's all."

"You know what?" she giggled.

"What?"

"Your calming medicine made me all numb; you can pretty much do whatever you want to me now."

"When was your last period," he asked apprehensively.

"I finished yesterday," she said trying to sound confused.

"Screw the condom," he said as he lunged at her ruining his plan to be sweet and tender. His unspoken prayer was answered…Bella like to talk during sex…..even better, Bella like to talk dirty during sex.

He had two other wives and the neighbor girl he bedded in the barn at sixteen, but nothing compared to sex with the newest Mrs. Cullen. He fell onto his back desperately trying to catch his breath as the sweat dripped from his brow.

Bella ran into the bathroom and returned with tears in her eyes. "Edward, I think I have my monthly curse again." He reached out and pulled her into his arms. "No, love, the first time you have sex always makes you bleed. I should have been more careful."

She smiled against his chest and said, "Oh."

"Did I hurt you?" he asked as he kissed her head.

"No, but can I have more medicine before we do it again?"

He chuckled and gave her a loving squeeze. "You want to do it again?" At least he didn't have to beg her to come out of the bathroom like he did with Alice, or was given a time limit in which to cum like with Rose.

Bella climbed on top of him and looked sadly into his eyes. "You said you would teach me how to give you pleasure and you're already tired of me."

"Are you kidding me? I plan on teaching you plenty. I just need a little time to re-energize."

"Okay," she said as she reached for the headboard. "Do you want to bring me pleasure again?" She pushed up on her knees and began scooting her body up his. When she was precariously perched over his face he used his arms to lock her in place.

His mind was gone and he was happy his mouth was otherwise engaged or profanity would have been spilling from his lips, too. This innocent girl owned him. This precious gem unknowingly giving herself so completely was a rare angel he was lucky enough to find.

He knew the world was full of harlots and jezebels who would trick men and tempt them with sex; it was his responsibility to know those things were out there. But a virtuous woman like Bella, who only wanted to give him pleasure, was a gift from God.

Bella had such a hard time controlling the words from her mouth as he played her body like a guitar solo from slash. Having two other wives had nothing to do with his prowess, she had sex with plenty of married men, Edward was gifted and the thought that he belong to her sent her body crashing in pleasure she had never known before.

She screamed out his name, and called his mother a few too, as she beat her fist against the wall with the force of her orgasm.

"There are children in this room," someone yelled from the other side of the wall. Bella sat back on Edward's chest and laughed down at him. "Your turn," she announced as she slid down his body.

For a split second, before all logic left his brain and headed to another part of his body, Edward worried he might not be able to keep up with Bella. As soon as her hot mouth locked onto him he decided he would sure as hell try.

When she didn't bat an eye or move a muscle as he exploded down her throat only one thought came to his mind, _Praise the Lord_.

They lay wrapped in each other's arms with huge grins permanently in place. Edward was making a prioritized list in his mind of things to teach her as Bella thought up ways to slyly introduce some toys into the mix.

"Bella we need to offer our prayers, would you like to say it?"

_Thank goodness,_ she thought, he would make her spend an hour on her knees when she could think of a much better use of her time.

Edward knelt against the bed so Bella got right in front of him and slid her body to wedge tightly between him and the mattress, straddling him in a very advantageous position. She then put her palms together and rested them on his chest.

"Thank you for my husband," she began. " For his beautiful face, for his delicious lips, for his amazing tongue that knows exactly how to move, for his strong arms and talented fingers, and especially for the part of him that is growing larger at this moment. "

Edward's eyes flew open, but Bella remained using her serious tone and kept her eyes closed.

"Bless me to know how to please him and to know if this…" She lifted her hips and came back down hard; impaling herself onto him, "will bring him pleasure. Edward gasped and held onto the bed for dear life. "And forgive me for saying how fucking good he makes me feel. Amen.

She opened her eyes and smiled innocently at him as it took him a couple of tries to get the word amen out of his mouth. He quickly re-prioritized his list and made a mental note to never ask Bella to pray in front of the family.

She wasn't being serious with her offering of grace and was trying to show him the error of his own ways when he disingenuously tried to bless everyone and everything. Just because his didn't contain profanity didn't mean it was any less false.

They fell asleep and were out cold for almost twelve hours. Edward woke and felt like he had run a marathon. His legs ached and his penis was begging for a reprieve. He felt guilty for allowing virtuous Bella to drink so much she was willing to take him over and over again.

He got some aspirin from his shaving kit and ran a warm bath for her. When he returned to the bed she was lying exposed with her hair wild around her head and only her swollen lips showing. When his mind began picturing her lips tightly wrapped around his… "Ah," he cried out in pain as his body screamed for a break.

Bella moved her mop of hair and looked up at him. "Here, love, take these aspirin. I'm afraid you are going to be very sore," he explained.

"Thanks, my head is pounding," she said with a gravelly voice sounding more like a smoker than a recent virgin.

"That is from the liquid medicine, your body is going to be sore from our love making," he explained staring at her naked body.

She rolled onto her back and smiled, "But it's a good sore."

"I have a warm bath waiting for you," he smiled.

"Will you get in with me?" she asked.

He picked her up and carried her to the tub where he placed her in front of him and began soaping her body. She leaned back and sighed, enjoying the feeling of his hands running over her wet flesh. When he finished he rose and allowed her to wash her hair unassisted as he dressed and check them out of the room.

When Bella walked out of the room the family next door exited at the same time. The woman gave her a dirty look and ushered the children to the car. The man looked at her braided hair and cotton dress and smirked at her, so she dropped the barrette she was carrying and bent over slowly to look between her legs at the man staring at her ass. She picked up the barrette and raised her middle finger, flipping him off between her legs, sending the mortified husband running for the car.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 7**

* * *

Chapter: 7

**Singing Praises**

They drove towards the mountains with one purpose in mind…to get there as quickly as possible. Edward was determined to keep his hands off of her until they got to the cabin. Bella sat with her legs folded in front of her staring at the beautiful landscape.

"Do you like to sing?" Edward asked her.

She smiled and her eyes lit up. "I know some hymns and some cooking songs."

Edward laughed loudly, "What are cooking songs?"

"Songs about food, you want to hear them?" She said sounding totally serious.

"Sure, sing me a song about food," he teased.

_She's my cherry pie_

_Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise_

_Tastes so good makes a grown man cry_

_Sweet cherry pie_

Edward stared at her in shock as she bounced to the rhythm she heard in her own head. And then she quickly moved to her next song.

_Pour some sugar on me_

_Oh, in the name of love_

_Pour some sugar on me_

_C'mon fire me up_

"Bella, where did you learn those songs?"

"From kids at school, they're songs about food," she said innocently.

"No they're not," he laughed. "Those are songs about sex."

Her mouth dropped open, mainly from surprise he actually admitted knowing the songs, she was sure he would play it off as some innocent mistake and let her continue to sing.

"How do you know that?" she asked.

"I work in the world and I have to be educated to how it works. A client took me to a Def Leopard concert many years ago."

"You went to a concert? You are so lucky," she said before realizing what she had said. "I mean you get to really experience things and see how evil they are."

"Yes, and it is no place for an innocent young lady like yourself," he warned.

She shook her head and stared back out the window. How stupid did he think she was? He drank gin and played music and was pretty skilled in the bedroom, but life always seemed to be easier on the men.

"But since you learned the songs, it would be okay if you sang them," he quickly added.

She smiled and pulled the string from her braid and let her hair fall as she whipped it and belted out the songs. Edward laughed and began keeping the beat with his hands against the steering wheel. He really enjoyed how much fun he had with her. It wasn't just the sex; she was a lot of fun to spend time with.

He missed her company when she fell asleep for the last two hours of the drive. He pulled up to the cabin and quietly opened her door to carry her to the bed. She stirred but he held perfectly still until she was back into a deep sleep.

He was still jazzed from the drive and went behind the cabin to smoke a cigarette. He wondered if he would let Bella know he smoked. It wasn't a habit or anything, he could take it or leave it, but it calmed him down when he was away from his family. He grew sleepy and went back into the cabin to shower the smell from his body and climbed into bed.

"Edward." A whisper interrupted his dream.

"Mmm," he managed.

"Are you awake?" she giggled. The sun had been up for several hours.

"No," he said emphatically.

She climbed out of bed and began looking for something to entertain herself with. She saw his wallet on the dresser and opened it to look at his pictures. It made her jealous to see him with Rose and Alice and know there wasn't a picture of her to go along with them. She grabbed her purse and pulled out a picture of herself sitting straddled on a swing. Her hair was down and flowing around her shoulders and her smile was genuine. She folded it to fit in his wallet and removed one of him and the other wives to put in hers, after she folded the other wives out of the picture.

Edward stretched and rolled onto his back so Bella tiptoed over to him and used a piece of her hair to tickle his face. He swatted it away a couple of times and finally reached out and pulled her into his arms as she screamed.

"I'm going to have to teach you a lesson little girl, where's my belt?" he said while looking around the room in jest.

Bella jumped up and grabbed his jeans ripping off the belt in one swift motion. "I've been a very naughty girl," she said as she spun the belt in a circle.

"You need a spanking, Bella."

"Oh yeah, I really, really do. But are you man enough to take the belt from me?"

He was intrigued and angered at the same time. She seemed to take pleasure in defying him and he couldn't let that continue, or could he? He stood in just his boxers and held his hand out for the belt. She only shook her head at him and began running her tongue along the leather, she really did like to lick things.

"Hand me the belt, before I get angry," he said in a harsh voice.

"I think you're already angry," she challenged.

"Before I get angrier," he clarified.

"If you're mad you'll spank harder," she smiled knowingly.

His head was reeling and his body was twitching with a very potent mixture of lust and anger. He was actually afraid he would end up hurting her, and more afraid she would actually like it.

She held the belt between her extended arms and began singing 'Pour Some Sugar on Me' as she gyrated to the song. When he would take a step toward her she would take a step back. His adrenaline was pumping like crazy through his body.

"I'm only going to ask one more time, Bella, hand me the belt."

"If you want it, try and take it," she said as her eyes narrowed and she put the belt behind her back.

She was now stuck between him, and the wall she was leaning against, so he moved right up against her body and asked one last time through gritted teeth, "Give me the belt."

She stood on her tip toes and licked from his neck to his ear and whispered, "Chicken."

He grabbed her by both arms and sent her flying through the air onto the bed as he quickly grabbed the belt. He doubled it over and placed his hand on her back to keep her pinned to the mattress and swung. The sound of the leather making contact with her flesh brought him out of the trance he was stuck in.

"Oh my God," he yelled as he backed away from her.

"Don't you dare stop now you pussy, hit me again," she demanded.

His fear was justified, she did like it, and he felt totally out of his league.

"I..I..can't," he stuttered. "I can't hurt you."

She rose from the bed and walked up to where he was now pinned against the wall and grabbed his balls causing him to scream in pain. "Really, because I can hurt you," she announced as his hand tightened around the belt.

"Are you going to be a man, Edward," she challenged causing him to push her harshly away from him.

He held the belt firmly and seethed at her, "Take off your clothes."

She smiled and quickly undressed before lying face down on the bed. He spanked her hard a total of four times before he couldn't control himself any longer and took her harshly from behind. She screamed out in pleasure as he swelled with pride for choosing a cabin instead of a motel.

The muscles in his legs were quivering from the excitement and the force of his orgasm, unlike anything he had ever experienced before. He took her hand and lifted her from the bed walking her into the shower with him. The sight of the welts almost brought him to tears.

"I never want to hurt you, Bella," he said as he tenderly kissed each red memory.

"It was only in fun, Edward. I know you wouldn't hurt me for real."

"It felt real," he moaned.

"That's what makes it fun," she assured him.

His eyes were sad and he seemed to be falling into depression, so she decided to pull out the big gun to brighten his mood. "I love you, Edward."

He smiled and pulled her to his chest. She was right; it was what he needed to hear. Her games were too advanced for him and she would have to slow down and push him gradually. Her plan for introducing toys would have to wait.

He couldn't believe she still loved him after what they just did, but he felt luckier than he ever felt in his life. He just did something that wasn't even on his list and thought he may need to revamp the whole damn thing.

"Let's go into town and get something to eat," he suggested.

She was relieved he didn't want her to cook since the cabin had a kitchenette, but figured a few hard swats on the ass earned her a sit down meal.

They stopped at a strip mall designed to look like an old western town and wandered into a clothing store. Bella gasped at the sight of jeans and begged Edward to let her just try on a pair. He agreed and while she looked at jeans he looked for a dress to buy her.

It would be a dress she could only wear when she was away with him and not allow the other wives to see. He found a strapless black cocktail dress and could imagine her pale skin against the dark fabric so he took it to the counter and asked the clerk to put it in a bag to hide.

Bella came out of the dressing room in a pair of jeans that looked like they had been painted onto her body and a stretchy shirt that clung to her chest, which was very apparent she wasn't wearing a bra.

Edward smiled and walked over to her, "Do you own a bra, Bella?"

"No, do you think I need one in this?" she said looking down innocently at her chest.

Edward's eyes followed her gaze and then he quickly shook his head, no.

"Can I have this?" she asked too afraid to actually hope he would say yes.

"Sure, but you can only wear it while we are here, you can't wear it at home."

She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him gratefully, and then she ripped the tags off and handed them to Edward. "I'll just wear it now."

He gathered her old dress and went to the counter to have it placed in the bag with the new dress. He opened his wallet to pay and saw the picture she placed there. He stared at the face he had been so intimate with but didn't really know. She was naturally pretty and didn't need make up or jewelry, but her eyes were a mystery to him.

He turned to look at her standing next to him and pulled the braid from her hair, letting it be as natural as she was. Their eyes met and he stared into hers trying to decipher the girl inside. Bella felt exposed by his stare, he was seeing too much and it made her shake.

"Sir," the cashier said again breaking the moment they were having. Edward took the bag and followed Bella out the door.

Her dresses always made her look like she swayed in a girlish manner, but in the tight jeans he saw her walk was not girlish, but very provocative.

They headed to a small café and Edward noticed how all the men looked at her chest as she walked by so he requested a booth in the back to keep her to himself. She opened the menu and giggled quickly.

"What?" he asked.

She raised only her eyes and said with a deep sultry voice, "They have cherry pie."


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 8**

* * *

Chapter: 8

**Health Food**

It was a full two weeks before they had their first fight. Edward had wondered often if he would be able to control his third wife as well as he did his other two. They never gave him a moment of trouble and seemed able to keep themselves happy and busy while he traveled so much. Bella was going to take a lot more training and he decided to see just how much more.

"I'm going to fill the truck with gas, clean up around here while I'm gone," he said kindly as she read the comics from the newspaper.

He didn't let her read the real news, it would be to upsetting to know the horrible things that went on in the world, and she seemed perfectly content with just the comics.

He returned to find her still on the unmade bed, now lying on her stomach with her knees bent and her ankles crossed, reading the comics and sucking on a tootsie pop.

"Bella, I asked you to clean up," he said authoritatively.

She glanced over her shoulder at the mess he was looking at and nonchalantly said, "It's not mine."

He looked around the see the pop bottles and clothes were indeed his, but that wasn't the point. "It is my job to provide for you and your job to take care of me. I won't tolerate disrespect." His voice was stern and he placed both hands on his hips.

Bella slowly climbed from the bed and he prepared himself for tears or distracting conversation, he would lecture her on cleanliness being next to Godliness and the wholesome value of hard work, what he wasn't prepared for was the absolute rage he saw in her face. She stood at the end of the bed about ten feet from him and crossed her arms, as fire shot from her eyes.

"I have bruises on my hip bones from you bending me over the footboard of the bed, I have welts on my ass from your belt, I have rope burns on my wrists and ankles, and I've had your dick half way up my ass, and you have the nerve to tell me you won't tolerate disrespect? Pick up your own shit, Edward."

He stood frozen to the floor and suddenly realized how she gave, and gave, and gave, as he continued to take from her. He had acted the same way with Rose and Alice, always coming home to a clean house and a clean room without wondering who had cleaned it for him. He just expected them to service all his needs in payment for the beautiful home he provided for them.

He took a deep breath and swallowed the bile rising in his throat as he turned to fold his clothes and throw away his empty bottles. Bella put the sucker back in her mouth and climbed back onto the bed to finish her comics. The cleaning issue never came up again.

"I have a surprise for you," Edward offered as a token of peace. He pulled the dress he bought two weeks ago from the bag to see her face light up.

"How did you know?" she screamed and grabbed the dress from his hands.

"The lady at the store told me the size," he explained.

"No, how did you know it was my birthday?" she said with tears in her eyes.

He felt a punch right in the gut. He not only fought with her, but he did it on her birthday, and now she thought he had gotten her a present. He walked over to run his fingers gently down her face. "I'm sorry, Bella. I will honestly try to be a better husband."

"You're the best husband in the world, thank you for the dress, it's beautiful." She really meant her words. The dress was not a simple cotton dress made to hang grotesquely from her body; it was made to show her off. He was going to take her out and let everyone see how beautiful she was and it meant everything to her.

She spent so much time getting ready it was making Edward antsy; he even snuck outside for a cigarette while she primped and preened. But it was worth every second when she saw his face as she stepped out of the bathroom. Every bit of the little girl was gone and a sophisticated lady stood in front of him. He felt tears in his eyes as he looked at her and wondered why it was a sin for women to look like this.

He took her hand and kissed it and told her how beautiful she was. He wondered in the back of his mind where she got the heels, but he decided to let it slide. It was her night and he wouldn't ruin in by chastising her.

They drove into town and stopped at a steak house. Edward excused himself to wash his hands after they were seated and returned with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. "Happy Birthday, love," he said with sincerity.

Bella was on a natural high all night, but it quickly came crashing down when another couple stopped at their table, greeting Edward and sat down. The woman was Victoria and the man was James, a cousin of Edward's. James leered at Bella as he sat next to her in the booth and Victoria's hands were all over Edward.

Rose and Alice were easy to handle but this girl was a competitor. It was going to take Bella awhile to figure out how to handle this one.

"So did you give up the sanctimonious life, Eddie boy?" James teased.

"No, I didn't. This is my newest wife Bella."

"You're an R-fan?" he asked staring at her in shock.

"Religious fanatic," Edward explained.

Bella smiled, "Sure, whatever keeps me on my knees," she answered using her saucer eyes and innocent voice.

James stared at her for a moment and then shook his head to clear the filth he had gathered there.

Bella didn't care what James thought, she was too focused on Victoria's hand massaging Edward's neck. The men spoke about business and caught up on family members while Bella continued to stew over how to handle Vicky.

Edward excused himself to pay the bill without ordering dessert as James went to the restroom. Victoria let Edward out of the booth and then slid back in directly in front of Bella.

"You want to trade?" Bella said, "Just for one night."

"What," Vicky asked hoping it was what she thought it meant.

"Us four, do you want to trade?"

"You would do that?" Vicky said shocked.

"Of course, Edward has two other wives; he's used to variety, but just for one night. He is very proud of the honeymoon he brought me on."

James and Edward returned at the same time and Bella smiled gently at both men.

"Bella had quite the suggestion," Vicky laughed as she put her arm around Edward again.

"Yeah," James said smiling as he tried to look down her dress.

"She suggested we swap, for just one night."

Edward looked at Bella with a mixture of hurt and surprise. Not that he was totally against the idea, Vicky was hot, but he wondered if after only two weeks he had already bored her. He was hoping to make love to her on her birthday but she was offering him another woman. The other side of the coin finally dawned on him…..she would be with James! _Oh, hell no_, he thought.

"You want that, Bella?" Edward asked her.

"Why not, our cabin isn't too far away and it is only for one night." She turned to smile at James.

Edward felt his blood turn to ice and his heart ached. "Come on Edward, let's go tear the roof off the place," Victoria said as she ran her tongue along his outer ear.

Bella reached out and grabbed her long strawberry hair in her hand and pulled Vicky halfway across the table. "What in the hell do you think you're doing!" Bella demanded.

"You said you wanted to trade Edward for James for the night," Vicky defended.

"No I didn't. I said I wanted to trade rooms. You two could have our cabin and we'll take your hotel room. You touch my husband again and I'll rip you apart and burn the pieces."

Edward felt relief run through him and he quickly stood to give Victoria a means of escape from Bella's wrath. Vicky clung to James and looked like she was about to cry as Bella stared her down. They left the restaurant and Bella didn't have to worry about the strawberry blond hanging on her husband any longer.

"Can we dance?" She asked Edward as if nothing had happened.

He led her to the dance floor and pulled her into his arms. He felt flustered by the creature he married and wasn't quite sure what to do about her. He loved everything about her, but there was nothing suitable, or proper, about Bella. She was what other men had warned him about, but there was no way he would ever want her to change.

Bella closed her eyes and laid her head on his chest. It was the best birthday she ever had, much better than the one last year when she let Mike Newton hide his face under her dress when his sister came looking for him. Edward moved her expertly across the dance floor and without her cotton dress and braid nobody knew they shouldn't be dancing at all.

Bella headed to the car as Edward went to purchase more condoms and ran into some young kids sitting in the back of a pickup truck partying. Edward was a little concerned when he saw her over talking to the teens but she lit up when she saw him and ran over to show him the dessert she purchased.

"Look Edward, I bought us some treats for tonight," she said proudly.

"What is that?" he asked looking at the paper plate in her hand.

"Those kids make organic treats. These are brownies with some sort of grass in them. They said it's really good for you."

Edward looked around quickly to make sure nobody heard her, or there wasn't a park ranger within ear shot. "Jump in the truck, Bella."

"I've never eaten grass before," Bella admitted, which was actually true, she had smoked it plenty of times, but never ate it. She pulled a small square from the plate and took a bite. "I can't taste it," she smiled.

It had been a long, long, time since Edward had some weed and only hoped it was the good stuff. He would be able to tell right away if it was old, weak, grass; a benefit of being raised on a farm next to a commune.

By the time they got to the cabin Bella had eaten three and a half squares and her eyes were beginning to dilate. When Edward gave her the vitamins to take she went to the bathroom for a cup and he grabbed a few squares and quickly downed them. It was primo shit and he promised to remember those generous kids in his prayers tonight.

Bella came back into the room and felt like she was floating. Her arms lifted into the air on their own and the room seemed to suddenly spring into 3D. Edward unbuttoned his shirt as Bella watched in amazement. When he removed it she reached out to run her fingers over his chest. "You are so beautiful," she sighed.

"I love you," he said and really meant it. "I love Bella," he repeated. "I love you and you are Bella."

His rambling made perfect sense to her and she found nothing funny about it. She watched as he removed his pants and she put her hands over her mouth and let the tears fall down her cheeks.

"You are such an amazing man, you are my man, and it's my birthday and I want my man for my birthday."

"Don't cry," he begged as his own emotions overcame him. "Birthday girls can't cry, they can only smile." He wiped her tears with his fingers and then stared at them in fascination.

"I can't feel you, Edward. I want to feel you," she said as tears fell again.

He pulled her body against his and unzipped her dress to let it fall to the ground. She looked down at the wad of black fabric and began laughing. She laughed so hard Edward had to hold her tightly to keep her from falling over.

He finally sat in a chair with her on his lap and the laughing stopped when she looked into his eyes. She inhaled sharply and attacked his mouth with hers. Organic brownies would be an annual birthday dessert he decided.


	9. Chapter 9

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 9**

* * *

Chapter: 9

**It's All Relative**

The month was coming to an end and they decided to leave a little early and stop to visit Carlisle and Esme. Bella was excited to fill Jessica in on all the details of her honeymoon and planned to embellish most of the stories.

Edward wanted the thank Carlisle for bringing Bella into his life and making it so much happier. He realized he was going through the motions before and never knew what it felt like to be himself. He still had to keep up pretenses, but Bella knew a more accurate version of Edward than Rose or Alice did.

"I'm going to remember this honeymoon forever, Edward," she said as she snuggled up against him in the truck.

"Can we talk about something, love?"

"What?"

"Well, at home, I mean with the kids, and well even with Rose and Alice, I have to be, you know, different."

"Okay, but will you still act the same when it's just you and me?"

"Of course, I will look forward to your assigned days," he said to relieve her mind. Instead it reminded her he was not hers alone and she vowed to somehow take over Rose and Alice's assigned days, too.

"What made you choose polygamy?" she asked him outright.

"I have always been a righteous man," he began which made her stifle a laugh. Yeah, all righteous men get drunk and high and like being tied up for sex.

"I didn't want my wife or wives to know about all the evil in the world and I felt I would do a good job protecting them from it. Plus it don't get jealous very easily," he lied. "What made you want to be a third wife?"

She looked down at her hands and couldn't give the prepared spiritual answer about wanting to share the blessings of a large family with women she admired and relied upon to help her learn and grow in faith and responsibility. When she thought about any other woman touching Edward it made her sick to her stomach.

"What's your favorite color," she asked him instead.

"Oh, I don't know, I like the color blue on you," he winked at her.

"What made you fall in love with Rose?" she asked making him nervous.

"She was an arranged marriage, but we had always gotten along well, and our community was so small it was hard to find someone who wasn't a first or second cousin," he laughed.

"And Alice?"

"Alice had a very difficult life and needed someone who could be patient with her. Alice has a big wall around her heart and doesn't let many people in," he said sadly.

Bella wanted to assure him the wall had been breached but she was saving that information for when she really needed it.

"And Bella?"

He looked at her to make sure he heard her correctly. "Why I married her or why I fell in love with her?"

"Either."

"Carlisle begged me to marry her and I had the monetary ability to add another wife, but I fell in love with her because she is wild and untamed and has no clue how sweet and loving she is," he took her hand and kissed it gently.

His answer surprised her; he wasn't as fooled by her behavior as she originally thought. It also surprised Edward because he now saw her a little more clearly.

"Now your turn, why Edward?" he asked anxious to hear the answer.

"Because he had the monetary ability to add me to his family and he is my soul mate, alike in every way." She turned to face him and climbed onto his lap making sure he could still see to maneuver on the road. She laid her head on his chest and listened to his heart speed up.

"Sing to me, Edward."

He began softly singing Amazing Grace and she never heard anything so sensual. She began kissing his neck and biting his shoulders causing him to pull the truck off the highway. "Carlisle will be mad we're late," he whispered.

"He'll have to learn forgiveness, or he can just screw himself," she answered.

When they pulled into Carlisle's driveway Bella looked the part of the perfect third wife. Her hair was tightly braided and she had her cotton dress belted around her small waist. She waited for Edward to greet Carlisle and Esme and then make his way around to open her door. She kept her hands to herself and Edward only touched her lightly on the back when they walked toward the house.

"How was the honeymoon?" Carlisle asked making Bella lower her head timidly.

"Wonderful," Edward answered.

"Bella," Esme called. "I have a new recipe I would like to share with you."

Bella followed her aunt to the kitchen where Jessica waited. "Tell us all about it," the women said in excitement.

"He is so fu…. Freaking sexy," Bella laughed.

"It wasn't awful?" Jessica said in confusion.

"Awful, who told you sex is awful?" Bella demanded.

"Many of my friends tell me that," she defended.

"I'm sure they're all married to old codgers with ball sack to their knees," Bella said as Esme tugged on her braid to make her watch her language.

Carlisle handed Edward a cup of coffee and raised his cup to toast Edward's. "So my boy, what do you think?"

"You really should have warned me," Edward laughed and Carlisle patted him firmly on the back.

"You wouldn't have believed me anyway," Carlisle teased and Edward instantly wondered how Carlisle knew. "She will be a handful to keep in line," his uncle warned.

"Bella isn't the type who responds to traditional methods, I think I have her pretty much figured out." He didn't tell Carlisle that Bella had whipped his ass into shape and had him cleaning and helping with dishes.

"Well Esme told me her sister never gave Bella much attention, so maybe the month long honeymoon was just what she needed. I'm sure you have her out of your system now and can easily add her to the mix."

Edward laughed but wanted to tell Carlisle he was dead wrong. Bella would never be out of his system because she constantly surprised him and kept him guessing. He couldn't force himself to even imagine holding Rose or Alice and would have to pray for strength to do something as simple as loving his other wives.

A knock on the door sounded and two men walked in. "Edward," Carlisle said. "This is Mike Newton and Eric Yorky."

Bella stepped into the room and both men lit up at the sight of her. "Hi Bella," they said together, totally ignoring Edward's outstretched hand. She completely ignored them and walked over to stand by Edward.

"There is a new calf in the barn; do you want to see it?" Mike asked.

"Don't be stupid," she said coldly to them.

"Come on Bella, take a walk with us," Eric begged.

Bella leaned over to whisper in Edward's ear. "They are distant cousins and they always try to lift up my dress to sneak a peek at my underwear."

Edward turned to glare at both men and his hands pulled into tight fists. "I suggest you two refrain from talking to my wife any further. "

"I'm sure we could tell you plenty about your wife," Mike said hatefully.

Bella only rolled her eyes and then smiled at Edward. If she wasn't taking a couple of frisky relatives seriously he wouldn't either. He knew all too well the difficulties involved with huge families of girls and boys being raised under the same roof with different mothers.

Jessica stepped forward and announced she would like to take a walk causing Bella to lean her mouth against Edward's shoulder to keep from laughing. Mike and Eric looked at each other and shrugged. Bella wanted to warn her about Mike's slobbery kisses and Eric's too harsh hands but she decided to let her find out for herself.

Elizabeth walked in the door and kissed her husband Carlisle. Bella watched Esme's face and noticed the same fake smile she had used in the past. She guessed it wasn't going to get any easier as the years passed.

"I'm done," yelled Seth, Elizabeth's toddler, from the bathroom.

"Bella dear, would you mind helping Seth," Elizabeth asked as she took a seat on the other side of Carlisle.

Bella jumped up and headed down the hallway with no intention of wiping the brat's ass. She stopped at Lauren's door, the daughter of yet another wife, and knocked softly. "Elizabeth wants you to help Seth," Bella said with authority.

Lauren moaned and headed to the bathroom. Bella waited in the hallway until little Seth came running out. She scooped him into her arms and headed back to the living room.

"You will be a wonderful mother Bella, let's pray it happens soon, Lord willing."

Bella crossed her fingers behind her back and Edward crossed his legs, "yes, Lord willing," they said in unison.

The sound of a vehicle caught everyone's attention and all of the women tensed when they saw it was Mr. Banner, the spiritual leader of the community Carlisle lived in. He arranged most of the marriages and made sure moral attitudes were always on the straight and narrow. Bella hated the man and felt like he could see right into her soul.

He had freaky white eyes; they were actually so blue they appeared to be white. He walked with a slight limp and insisted the women talk sweetly and softly and the men had to refrain from speaking about money or business in front of the women.

Bella leaned closer to Edward but he moved away, not wanting to be chastised for being demonstrative towards his wife in front of others. She glared at him and moved closer. Edward stood asking the women if they would like something to drink.

Bella froze in fear, then quickly added, "Don't be silly, Edward, I will get the drinks."

"I will carry the tray for you," he said following her to the kitchen.

Esme gave them both a harsh look for finding a way to leave the room before she could come up with one. Bella laughed when they got to the kitchen and Edward had to cover her mouth with his hand to keep her quiet.

"Shhhh," he said. "Do you want us to have to repeat the entire book of Psalms before bed?"

"Arise, O Lord; let not man prevail: let the heathen be judged in thy sight," Bella laughed.

"I'm impressed," Edward said astonished. "I thought only profanity came out of your mouth."

"Oh, a lot of things come out of my mouth," she said to tease him. "What drinks are we going to make?"

"We need something that takes a lot of time, like sun tea," Edward laughed.

They were giggling and talking softly when Mr. Banner walked into the kitchen and caught them. He put his arm around Edward and led him out the door. "Son, you need to set the bar high at the beginning of a marriage and train the woman correctly. If you let her be silly and irreverent she will never take your corrections seriously."

Edward nodded like he was taking the instruction to heart, but Bella couldn't contain herself. They did not live in his community and she was not going to take his ill judgment of her husband sitting still.

"Sir," Bella said as she walked out to take Edward's hand. "I take Edward seriously because he is kind, and funny, and handsome and sexy, but mostly because he doesn't expect me to be seen and not heard. I'm not a child and I have screwed this man everyday and twice on Sunday for the past month so don't you dare lecture him on how to treat a wife."

The pudgy man was so stunned his face began to turn purple and he struggled with the right words to say to bring her unabashed gall into check. "And another thing, Jessica is in the barn being tag teamed by Mike and Eric; you might want to go help her."

Bella pulled Edward towards the truck and waited for him to open her door. "I don't think we're welcome any longer," she said.

Edward threw his head back in laughter and said, "I think you're right, love. Let's get a motel room and scare the children in the next room."


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 10**

* * *

Chapter: 10

**Dysfunction**

They were both nervous when they pulled in front of the big house. Edward took Bella's hand and again led her to the front door of the house. The kids came running to say hello and Bella made a mental note to try and learn their names, or at least give them new ones.

Rose and Alice looked at Edward warily before stepping forward to give him a quick kiss. Edward seemed flustered and didn't quite know what to say.

"Did you have a good time?" Alice finally asked.

Edward and Bella looked at each other and Bella giggled and dropped her head. Rose glared, not buying the act at all. She informed Edward of some messages waiting for him on his desk and it was the last anyone saw of him for the day.

"You might want to check out the chart," Rose instructed her. Bella walked to the elaborate display and noticed the cleaning division.

"Um….I don't think that is going to work," she announced.

"Why," the other women said in union.

"Well, I'm not really into cleaning, and since Edward will be helping out now it isn't divided equally."

"Edward will not be cleaning," Rose said with finality.

Bella turned to face both women. "Yes, he will. You better not undo everything I fixed or I will have to be the one to start doing the shopping for meat and dairy."

Both women turned red and stormed from the room. Bella chuckled and looked at the two boys staring at her. "Okay, you are Ozzie," she said to the oldest, "and you are Bono," she announced to the youngest. Both boys got huge smiles on their faces. "Where is Lady Ga Ga?"

"She's taking a nap," answered Bono, showing he was the brighter of the two and Bella had gotten the names right.

"We're going to play a game, it is only a game for us, understand?" Both boys nodded appropriately. "We are going to see who can drink the most glasses of milk today, and the winner gets a sucker."

"But Jax will wet the bed," Ozzie announced.

"I'm Bono," the bed wetter corrected him.

"If you wet the bed you get an extra sucker," Bella said to make them both jump up and down with glee."Starting right…. Now."

Both boys ran to the kitchen yelling for their mom as Bella turned back to the chart to notice it was Rose's turn to sleep with Edward tonight. It made her stomach turn and she was going to have to come up with a plan. She really did hate sleeping alone in that unfamiliar room and since Oz and Bono were guaranteed to pee the bed she would have a long, lonely night.

Dinner was drama free and Bella's setting now matched everyone else's. She was still placed at the far end of the table, directly across from Edward, but no closer to him. Rose and Alice had the two chairs at his sides.

Everyone was quiet and Bella noticed both boys drank three glasses of milk. Lady Ga Ga stared at her through the entire meal and Bella got tired of smiling lovingly at her. She began having visions of poking her in the eye just to get her to blink.

As dessert was being served Bella caught Edward looking at her. She crossed her eyes at him making him laugh and everyone froze to see what was so funny. Rose tossed the brownies onto the table in anger and Edward looked at them, then back at Bella, and they both cracked up laughing and couldn't stop.

"What is so funny?" Rose demanded.

"Nothing, dear," Edward apologized. "We just were laughing at a brownie incident, that's all."

"A brownie incident?" Alice asked in mock interest.

"It really isn't a funny story, it was simply a bake sale where Bella bought some brownies," he tried to diffuse the situation.

"Edward tends to babble over brownies," Bella added baiting him.

"And Bella tends to cry over them," he said taking the bait.

They both cracked up laughing again and Alice began gathering the dishes. "No, honey, I will clear the table," Edward offered.

"Absolutely not," Rose said angrily.

"Yes, I will, and that is final. I need to help out more around here for all the time I am away, and I will be keeping my own room clean from now on, too."

Both women turned to glare at Bella and she only blew Edward a kiss and winked at him. After he cleared the table he escaped into his office again and let the women clean up the dinner mess. It was quiet in the house, too quiet. Bella tried to spend time in her room but it wasn't homey there yet.

She finally snuck downstairs and into Edward's office. He looked up in surprise when the door opened without so much as a knock. He wanted to correct Bella but his arms were dying to hold her, so he let it slide. She sprinted over to him and jumped in his lap.

"I miss you already," she said and surprised herself with how true the sentence was. He tried to respond but she had her tongue half way down his throat before he could form a word. He was getting worked up and just about ready to clear his desk top with one sweep of his hand when a soft knock sounded on the door.

Bella jumped from his lap and climbed under the desk. "Yes," Edward called out bringing Rose into the room.

"Would you like some coffee?" she asked.

"No, it's too close to bed time, but thank you," he added.

Bella began running her tongue up his shin and he smiled at Rose as he put one hand under the desk and tried to shoo Bella away. She grabbed his hand and began sucking on his fingers.

"Are you still going to use the….other chart?" Rose asked him.

"Of course," he answered wishing more than anything he could grab Bella from under the desk and drag her by the hair into his room for the night.

Rose left the room and Edward pushed his chair back to stare at Bella. She smiled at him and climbed out from the cubby hole but remained on her knees. "Since I won't see you for two nights I want to leave you with something to remember me by," she said as she unzipped his pants.

"It's the only way I can keep you from screaming profanity," he laughed, but as the sensation overtook him he let his head drop back and wished he could spend every night in Bella's bed.

At family prayer Edward officially welcomed Bella to the family and instructed the kids to listen to Bella as they would their other two mothers and both boys nodded, as Lady Ga Ga continued with her freaky stare. Bella could see the boys stomachs bloated with milk and mildly hoped they didn't drown in their beds tonight.

"Can mama Bella say the prayer?" Bono asked.

"No," Edward offered a little too quickly, terrified she would be thankful for the opportunity to suck on his dick. "I have been away a long time and would like to pray for my family."

"Shit," Bella thought to herself and readjusted her knees for the long haul.

He went on for so long Bella actually considered pinching Lady Ga Ga to make her cry and put an end to the misery. When he finally said amen Bella almost screamed hallelujah and both boys ran to the bathroom.

Edward put the kids to bed and read them a story while the women retired to their own rooms. Rose made it a point to walk down the hallway in a skimpy see through nightie but Bella wasn't worried. She knew making love to Rose came with a myriad of stipulations and wild and hot were not two of them.

The night was long and Bella was ashamed to admit most of it was spent with her ear pressed against the wall trying to hear any evidence of Edward and Rose getting crazy. It was completely silent until the noise of Rose changing sheets could be heard at 3 am.

Edward was nervous as he entered Rose's room and felt like he was cheating. He berated himself for feeling uncomfortable with the woman he was married to the longest, but the feeling wouldn't go away. She was dressed in a sexy nightie, but she always wore so much damn lotion and night cream. He felt like his hands became greasy every time he touched her breasts.

"You're not even hard, Edward," she chastised him making an erection next to impossible now.

"Can we just hold each other for a bit?" he asked.

"Are you telling me she's made you impotent?"

"No, I'm not saying that," he grabbed her roughly and pulled her hair to bring her face to his.

"Ouch, damn it, take it easy," she complained.

"Don't make me get my belt," he said in jest, but Rose freaked out.

"I am not a child, Edward, and you won't speak to me that way. Just get on your side of the bed and leave me alone."

Edward gladly rolled over and went right to sleep.

Bella never made it up for breakfast and barely arose in time for lunch. She opened her door to find both boys waiting anxiously for their treats. She gave them each two suckers and announced a new game. "Start begging for a barbeque tonight, hamburgers and steaks, if we have one you both get a candy bar."

The boys took off running to find Rose and Alice. Bella made her way to the kitchen to help prepare lunch and was told Edward would be working through lunch and didn't want to be disturbed. Rose was angry about something and slamming doors and dishes around.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked her.

"Nothing," Rose said angrily.

"I think you really need to visit the milkman," Bella said causing Rose to turn furiously towards her. Bella remained calm and opened the refrigerator door to show they were almost out of milk. Rose grabbed her keys and headed out the door.

Bella was guessing things didn't go well with Edward last night and he was hiding in shame as Rose stormed around in frustration.

All throughout lunch the boys begged for a barbeque until Alice finally relented. Bella promised to help out and grabbed a paper to write down what they would need to prepare. Both boys yelled hamburgers and steaks and Lady GaGa yelled 'hotadogs.' She wasn't a total imbecile after all.

The barbeque was actually fun and Edward seemed perfectly calm and enjoyed playing with the kids. Bella showed the boys how to walk on their hands by pulling her dress between her legs and tucking it into the sash around her waist.

"Daddy, daddy, look at mama Bella," the boys yelled.

Edward watched in fascination as Bella walked several steps on her hands with her long legs sticking up in the air. She finally stood upright and fell to the ground in splits with her hands in the air as she yelled, "Ta Da!"

Both boys jumped up and down clapping and laughing as Edward clapped loudly and licked his lips unconsciously.

"Circus freak," Rose muttered causing Edward to give her a disapproving look.

It was time for evening prayers and Edward found Bella relaxing in the bathtub. "You need to hurry, love, it is time to gather."

She smiled at him and motioned for him to sit on the counter. He moved the towel from his way and jumped onto the counter to watch her bathe. She put some body wash on the sponge and began washing intimate parts of her body very slowly, moaning at each pass.

"Bella," Edward warned as he repositioned himself uncomfortably.

"Take your pants off," Bella instructed.

He looked at her trying so hard to be authoritative. "It's not your day, love."

"I'm not going to touch you, you're going to touch yourself," she smiled as she placed her feet on each side of the tub and began touching herself.

Edward watched for a few moments until he couldn't take it any longer. He quickly pulled his pants off and grabbed the tube of lotion from the counter. Bella spurred him on buy telling him in a very detailed way what she was feeling. Their eyes locked as each one panted for every breath, she suddenly arched her back out of the water and screamed through her release sending him over the edge.

He leaned his head on the counter trying to catch his breath before cleaning himself up. Alice knocked on the door so Bella yelled she was just about ready allowing Edward to remain quiet. When he finally made it to the family room he couldn't bring himself to look at Bella for fear the other two women would know exactly what he had just done.

Edward had no energy for Alice that night and left her disappointed and frustrated. She was the one slamming doors the next day until Bella opened the freezer and announced most of the meat had been used for the barbeque and a trip to the butcher would be in order.

Alice grabbed her keys and left as Bella chuckled to herself.


	11. Chapter 11

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 11**

* * *

Chapter: 11

**I Did It My Way**

It was finally Bella's day and she wasn't going to waste a minute of it. Edward returned to his room that morning to find Bella naked…waiting in his bed…naked….with a sucker in her mouth….naked. He smiled and silently blessed her heart, and various other parts, for coming into his life.

He walked to the bed and she held the sucker out for him to take a lick, but he had other ideas about what to do with his tongue. He opened the side table drawer and pulled out a scarf and wrapped it around his two fists.

"What is that for?" Bella asked as her eye lit up.

"To shut your damn mouth," he announced.

She giggled excitedly and opened her mouth for him to secure the scarf. His bedroom door remained locked and every knock remained unanswered for the rest of the day.

By dinner they were starved and exhausted and needed nourishment. Bella came to the kitchen first to diffuse the reaction for when Edward arrived. Both women unleashed on her.

"It matters to our well being if Edward works or not. You already set him back a month and we don't appreciate him losing another day of possible income," Alice said hatefully.

"And we have children in the house, remember," Rose added.

Bella grabbed a piece of cheese and took a bite before responding. "When you yell at me about Edward's income and your children in the same conversation, it only makes me think of milk and meat."

Both women froze. "Are you blackmailing us?" Alice finally asked.

"That is not a very charitable thing to suggest," Bella said trying to sound hurt. "I'm only pointing out that you don't have to sleep alone when Edward is gone or otherwise engaged, so you owe me extra time."

"We don't owe you anything," Rose said hatefully.

"I know," Bella giggled. "But you owe Edward a hell of a lot, and you can repay him by giving him extra time with me."

"What makes you think he wants that?" Alice asked.

"Probably the fact that you both sent him back to me ravenous. Come on, put out a little for the poor guy."

When Edward entered the room Bella glided over to him and offered him a bite of her cheese. He took it and pretended to bite her finger along with it sending her body crashing into his in laughter.

"I'm going to be sick," Rose whispered.

"Are you pregnant?" Bella asked in fake shock. Edward froze and said a silent prayer that she wasn't.

"No, I'm not pregnant," she said adamantly and Edward decided to check his vitamin supply.

At evening prayers Rose suggested unwaveringly that Bella should say it. Edward broke out in a sweat when Bella agreed. He pointed with his eyes toward the three children and Bella only smiled at him. They all clasped hands and closed their eyes except for Bella and Edward, who stared, him in fear and her in humor.

"Bless the kids, Bless the wives, Bless the poor and needy, but most importantly bless Edward, who works so hard for us, who gives everything he has over, and over, and over again," she winked at him and he mouthed, 'stop' to her.

"And we give thanks for the food we have; especially the meats and dairy and pray for the butcher and the milkman, and again we give thanks for Edward for providing the money for the butcher and the milkman."

Rose squeezed Bella's hand harshly.

"And help us all have a good night and I mean a really good night, amen."

"That was short," Ozzie announced.

"I want Bella to always say the prayer," Bono agreed.

Edward shook his head and ushered the kids off to bed. Rose and Alice didn't try to confront Bella; they just hoped they could make it through another week without killing her. The night was eerily quiet except for the sounds of loud affirmations of yes, yes, oh fuck yes, coming from the darkness.

The next day Edward had to leave town and Bella stood at his truck door with tears streaming down her face. He almost pulled her into the cab and brought her along, but he knew she would be a distraction and the meeting was too important. "What can I bring you to cheer you up?" he asked in desperation.

"Just you," she cried harder. Her emotion had her floored. She could cry on demand but this was ridiculous and she couldn't make it stop.

As soon as Edward was out of sight she walked back into the house to find Alice and Rose standing with their keys in their hands. "We will be gone most of the day and you are in charge of the kids," Rose smiled.

"Make sure Julia takes a nap," Alice added.

_Julia, that was its name, _ Bella thought to herself.

As soon as they left Bella turned to the kids and announced. "You can do whatever you want as long as you stay in the backyard and keep an eye on Lady GaGa."

The boys screamed in delight and ran out the French doors into the fenced yard.

Bella made sandwiches for lunch and added a face made out of raisins to sneak in a little iron for the kids. She punched the straws in the juice boxes and walked away. "Mama Alice makes us use sippy cups in case we spill on the cement," Oz told her.

Bella took a juice box and squirted it all over the cement and announced," I guess you will have to get the hose and clean it off." Both boys screamed in delight and even Lady GaGa stopped staring long enough to smile.

Bella went back to the television program she was watching and cussed them all for not having cable. About an hour later Lady GaGa walked in the door crying, covered in mud. Bella jumped up to lift her off her feet before she walked on the carpet and brought her back outside.

"What happened," she asked the boys.

"Ozzie threw mud on her," Bono squealed.

"So did Bono," Oz retaliated.

"Who did it?" Bella asked L.G.G.

"Bowsh," she said still in tears.

"Here's the deal. You get to choose if you want to go to your room for the rest of the day and I keep quiet, or stay out and play, but I tell your mom and dad."

"I'll go to my room," Bono chose, in real Bono 'keep the peace' fashion.

"Go ahead and tell my mom and dad," Ozzie said, "The spanking only hurts for a second."

"Fine," Bella smiled. "But since you didn't listen to me, I'm not listening to you, Ozzie upstairs and Bono you will be the one to get the spanking."

The kids stared at her in shock until Bella yelled, "Move," and Oz ran for the house. "And as for you, little girl, the next time they throw mud you walk up and kick them right here," Bella instructed as she pointed at her crotch.

After putting Lady GaGa down for a nap and cleaning up the mud mess Bella went into Edward's room and put on one of his shirts and sat in his closet missing him. She eventually feel asleep and the sound of the garage door opening sent her flying from his room to check on the kids.

Oz was coloring in his room out of sheer boredom, Lady GaGa was standing in her crib, which Bella felt she was way too old for, and Bono was on the swing set stewing in misery. Bella met the woman at the door and handed Alice her daughter, which needed a diaper change from the nap.

"How did it go?" Rose asked.

"Great, Bo…um…Jax is outside and I told him I was going to tell you he threw mud on La….um…Julia."

"I'm sorry Ju Ju," Rose cooed.

"I kits him wight heya," Julia responded as she pointed at her crotch.

"What?" Both women said, as Bella hurried and turned to leave the room.

"Hey," Rose yelled after her. "That shirt was dry cleaned and starched."

"And now it is soft and smells like me," Bella answered as she headed back to the closet.

She spent the evening putting little notes hidden all over Edward's room and found some pretty interesting things, like a stack of Playboy magazines, some movies titled "Harry Pussy and the Order of the Phallic" and "Lethal Weapon 10… inches." But the thing that caught her attention the most was a journal stuck way under his mattress.

She stared at it, trying to resist the urge to open it, knowing she would read things about his life with Rose and Alice she didn't want to know. Her curiosity got the better of her and she went back to her seat in the closet and began to read. It contained nothing about Rose or Alice. It was all about the feeling of loneliness and failure Edward felt. He tried so hard to be the perfect person on paper and didn't realize everyone was playing the same game within their own house of cards.

His words brought her to tears as she read:

**Is life supposed to be this boring, this empty, with each day running like spilled ink from one to the next? I can't help but wonder, if I could learn to be more disciplined and have more faith, could I find the joy that man is promised in this earthly estate? I study the scriptures desperately searching for the strength to be a better man, only to fail, over, and over again. I wake every day hoping with the new light a new opportunity will present itself for happiness. I leave my room with a smile ready to greet it, praying it arrives, and lying down each night in hope, hope that tomorrow will be different.**

Bella sat the book next to her and cried into her pulled up knees. She didn't know if she was part of the spilled ink or the realization of his hope, but she knew she would not let him go on any longer in his misery. Life needed to be lived on his own terms and she was going to suggest he do it.

The next day she borrowed a car and drove to meet Jasper. He looked nervous when she walked in so she put his mind to ease right away. "I have nothing against you, Jasper. I want you and Alice to be happy together."

He motioned for her to come into the back and she sat across from him. "Why are you letting them live with another man?"

"I can't offer her the religious life she wants," he said. "I'm an atheist."

Bella laughed at the thought of Edward being a religious man. "The only difference between you and all of us is self awareness. You're honest… you're wrong, but at least you're honest."

"Wrong how?" he wondered.

"There is a God, we just can't seem to follow him without mucking it up. The harder we try to more we muck it up, so you find it easier not to try, both ways are wrong, but you find yours a simpler way to live."

He laughed and nodded, "I guess you're right."

"Can you come to dinner this weekend?" she asked him.

"Ah, no!"

"Come on, you need to spend time with your daughter, nobody will be the wiser," Bella promised.

After getting him to agree she headed to Emmett's farm. He greeted her with a huge smile. "What's up, Bella babe?"

She laughed at his nickname and wondered how Rose would make him pay for coming up with it. "Do me a favor Emmy," she teased. "Take Rose and your boys away, far, far, away.

His smile faded and he looked at the ground.

"Why is she still married to Edward, Emmett?" Bella asked pointedly.

"When I got the farm I inherited a lot of debt, I couldn't take care of them."

"What about now?"

"It's too late," he said sadly.

"It's never too late, and I'm going to help you make sure it isn't.

"And how are you going to do that?"

She smiled from ear to ear causing him to do the same. "You're coming to dinner this weekend and we're going to play board games."


	12. Chapter 12

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 12**

* * *

Chapter: 12

**Twist and Shout**

Two days later when Bella got home from a 'doctor's appointment,' which she spent at a seedy adult toy shop, Edward's truck was in the driveway. She flew into the house and ran into Rose, who told her he was in his office. She ran to the office to find it empty so she headed up the stairs and into Alice. "I think he's with the boys."

Bella ran to their room, but it was empty also, she headed to Edward's bedroom and it was dark and quiet. She felt like she was going to burst into tears if someone didn't produce Edward and right now! She came back to the stairs just in time to see Edward walk through the French doors into the family room. She screamed and ran, almost falling twice, down the stairs and jumped into his arms with her legs securely wrapped around his waist.

"Wow," he laughed. "I've never received a greeting like this before."

"Never leave again," she said emphatically. "I'm going to handcuff myself to you."

He raised his eyebrows and responded, "Promise?" If he only knew handcuffs were part of her 'doctor's bill' today.

They were giggling and laughing when Edward noticed Rose and Alice staring at him with his hands firmly planted on Bella's ass. He cleared his throat and sat her on her feet.

"I'm planning a dinner party for Saturday night, is that okay?" Bella asked.

"A party for whom?" Edward asked.

"For us, all of us, I invited a few people. This is my home too isn't it?" She pulled out the saucer eyes and the extended bottom lip and Edward immediately acquiesced to her request.

"What do you need help with?" the women asked her.

"Nothing, this is all on me. You two can be guests," Bella smiled.

"Guests in our own home?" Rose repeated.

"Look," Bella said harshly. "I am trying to be nice here, don't be such a bitch."

"Bella!" Edward yelled.

"Fine, don't be such a female dog!"

Edward wanted to chastise her but he couldn't stop the laughter that spilled from him. Even Rose managed to twitch her mouth as she tried to hold back. He decided Bella was due for another spanking and hated the thought of waiting three more days to deliver it.

Bella settled the matter for him when she turned to Alice and Rose and asked politely if she could spend time with Edward for the night.

Edward tried to remain stoic and straight faced, but inside he was screaming like a little boy, _please oh please oh please oh please._

"I guess, since you're still in the honeymoon phase," Rose agreed. "But I have Bible study, so I will be out late tonight."

"And I'm going with her," Alice added quickly.

"Revelations 18:5," Bella yelled as she pulled Edward up the stairs. Both women stared at each other in confusion and ran to grab the large Bible from the shelf where it sat covered in dust_. For her sins have reached unto heaven, and God hath remembered her iniquities._ They read the verse and turned to look at each other.

"I hate her," announced Alice as Rose shook her head in agreement.

Bella managed to get Edward on Alice's night too, but he didn't bother asking her how, he would just be grateful for the three days in a row he had with his newest wife and ask for extra blessings for the other two. He was thrilled with their sudden interest in Bible study and happy so many groups existed that they could choose whichever night they wanted to attend.

"Why are there names on my boxers?" Edward asked in confusion as he stared at the little post its stuck to his underwear.

Bella laughed and explained, "It is your persona for the night, like this pair, you are Guido when you wear them. Now this pair you can **only **wear on my days," she said seriously. He looked at the name which read, Big Bad Bubba.

"And these you **cannot **wear on my days," she insisted picking up the pair that said 'Tiny Tim.'

"So there will be no, 'God Bless Us Every one?'" he laughed.

"Hell no," she emphasized.

"Not very Christian of you," he pointed out.

She turned to look at him, wanting so badly to ask him to drop the pretense and just be Edward, the man who she knew he longed to be, but instead she smiled and said, "I love you, no matter what."

"So who should I be tonight?"

She looked in the drawer and pulled out a black pair of boxers which had the name 'Zorro' attached and reached into a bag under the bed and pulled out a mask and a whip. Edward knew at that moment he would never be able to love his other wives as much as he loved Bella.

On Saturday the tension in the house grew as the day wore on. Edward remained in his office to let the woman deal with the details. Lady GaGa skipped her nap, so she would be able to go to bed early when the boys were sent to their room.

Bella set up a casual dinner on the patio and made sure Edward sat with Alice and Rose on each side of him with Jasper and Emmett on the ends next to their loves. She put Ozzie and Bono by Emmett and Lady GaGa by Jasper.

"Where are you going to sit?" Edward asked Bella.

"I'm serving, and if I want to sit your lap will do."

They all sat uncomfortably waiting for Bella to bring out the food. Instead she brought out a camera and insisted on taking pictures. She stood at one end and got pictures of the other end of the table making sure Alice, Jasper and 'it' were all in the frame together. Then she moved to the other end and got one of Rose, Emmett and the two boys.

She finally went and sat on Edward's lap extending her arm and snapped a close up of him with a huge grin as she tried to lick his face.

Next, she brought out Pizza's she had delivered. Surely nobody expected her to slave over a meal. Oz and Bono screamed with delight as Rose and Alice glared at her. The kids were relaxed and jabbered away taking responsibility for all the conversation.

"You are a princess," Jasper said to freaky eyes.

"Mommy, I a pwincess," she giggled.

"You're a crybaby princess," Oz offered.

Jasper and Edward both said, "Hey," at the same time, sending Alice running to the kitchen for more napkins.

"I not cwy baby pwincess," Lady GaGa said. "I wiwl bite you, Oshie."

"Why does she keep calling Samuel Oshie?" Rose said in frustration. Both boys looked at Bella and giggled, but they remained quiet. Bella was just shocked as hell to find out his name was Samuel, she thought for sure it was Bent, or Brett, or something like that.

When the boys finished eating they grabbed a football and began kicking it around. Emmett followed them onto the grass and began showing them how to hold it properly and how to aim at the numbers…whatever that meant. Edward watched and tried to pick up a few pointers since he was never athletic and his boys seemed to like sports.

When it grew dark Bella asked Edward to help her gather some things in the basement and asked Emmett and Jasper to help the women get the kids settled. Jasper picked up Lady GaGa and held her as he stared like she was the most fascinating thing in the world. _She obviously inherited that trait from her father,_ Bella thought.

When the adults gathered in the family room they naturally paired off. Emmett and Rose sat next to each other on the couch as Jasper and Alice sat closely on the floor. Bella perched on Edward's lap to announce the games.

"First we are playing Scatagories, Bible edition, but Jasper and Alice get ten free points."

"That's not fair," Emmett protested.

"Yes it is, since Jasper is a heathen," Bella corrected.

"Bella," everyone yelled in unison.

"No, she's right," he admitted causing Alice to look sadly at her fingernails.

Bella threw the dice first and it landed on "P". "Name where Paul preached," she announced.

"Ephesus," Emmett yelled out.

"Very good," Edward contended.

"Actually that is not correct," Jasper said sending Alice almost to tears. "Paul wrote a letter to the Ephesian church instructing them on proper theology in relation to Jesus Christ. Technically others did the actual preaching."

Alice was so stunned and so happy she threw her arms around Jasper and squealed. Edward was only bothered by the fact Jasper knew what he was talking about and didn't seemed fazed at all by Alice's demonstrations toward another man.

They played for over an hour finding out so much about each other. Emmett was so competitive and when Edward compared him to the two little boys Rose ran for more ice. Jasper had way more knowledge than any atheist had the right to know and Edward got easily distracted by Bella bouncing around on his lap.

They moved on to Guesstures, Bible version, and the laughter increased as Alice's energy had her acting out the words faster than Jasper could guess them. Emmett was almost drooling as Rose tried to act out Baptism and he kept guessing things with the word bed in them. Everyone was worked up, as they stared at the person they love using their body to pull out the needed words. It was then Bella decided to pull out the mother of all games….Twister , and no, there is not a Bible version.

Bella and Edward went first and Bella schooled them all with her limber legs hitting the first green dot and the last red dot while doing a back bend over Edward. Jasper and Alice were like watching two dancers as they glided and slid all over each other. Emmett covered the entire mat squishing poor Rose under his huge body, but she never once complained about him being on her hair, or rubbing her makeup off her face.

The testosterone and estrogen was flowing as hands began lightly fluttering over shoulders and laughs included a touch on the chest or butt. And poor dumb Edward never noticed a thing. Bella pulled his arms around her and held onto his hands in front, as she pushed into his growing excitement.

"Okay, one last round," Bella announced. "Guys against the girls."

The men lost immediately when none of them would actually let their bodies touch each other. The girls were experts and there seemed to be no end in sight on their round. The men were panting as they watched them all tangled together, until one comment sent reality crashing down upon them all.

"Man, Edward, you must get to see this all the time," Emmett teased.

Edward's head turned slowly to look at the women on the mat and back to the men who had been acting as their dates all night. He put his hand over his mouth and stepped back away from the group. Bella saw his face and moved off the mat towards him.

"Edward, are you okay?" she asked.

"What is going on here?" he shouted, with a look of horror and confusion set firmly on his face.

Bella knew he was trying to come to grips with what his mind wouldn't let him see. She picked up the camera and handed it to him. "Go to your office and look at the pictures while we clean up and call it an evening."

Edward took the camera from her hand and looked at all the faces staring at him. Alice would only look at her own feet and Rose had tears running down her face. Bella walked forward and kissed him lightly before whispering in his ear.

"Don't come to any rooms tonight; sleep alone in your own bed."


	13. Chapter 13

Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.**

**This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!**

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

**Chapter 13**

* * *

Chapter: 13

**Reel Life**

It was a long night and nobody got any sleep. Edward stared at the pictures on the screen in front of him. Rose was smiling next to Emmett, who had his arms lightly around her and Samuel, as they crouched together for a picture, both boys with identical dimples to Emmett's. Next was Jasper and Alice, both looking at Julia, as she stared at Jasper with his exact profile. Edward felt angry, sad, disappointed, and a definite crack in his foundation.

He brought up the next picture, and saw the reflection of his face as he had never seen it before. The stranger in the photograph was happy, not trying to be happy, but genuinely happy. Bella, with her tongue extended to his cheek looked silly, sexy, and completely his. He flashed forward to the other pictures and noticed what was missing with his other two wives, the devotion and commitment he shared with Bella.

In every picture Edward was looking only at Bella. He noticed how she was constantly all over him and he never once gave Rose or Alice's feelings consideration, but then again why should he. They had betrayed him in the most offensive way imaginable. He thought back over the years to see if he was negligent or odious to them to cause such deceit.

The only thing he could think of was the lack of indisputable love that he felt only for Bella. The other women had to have noticed he was trying to portray the image of a loving husband without actually fulfilling the role. He had betrayed them, too.

Bella paced back and forth terrified she lost the man she now knew she couldn't live without. It wasn't just possessive jealousy that made her orchestrate the end of the façade the others had built. She wanted more than anything in the world for Edward to be happy. They couldn't find God when they were trying so hard to hide themselves from Him. If they couldn't be honest with Him, how could they ever be honest with each other?

The next day was Sunday and Edward still never left the office. Rose and Alice were a mess and both had red swollen eyes. The three women didn't talk, but helped each other care for the kids and kept them entertained. Bella noticed the dusty Bible missing from the shelf and hoped Edward didn't plan on fasting for forty days and nights.

After the kids were put to bed Edward called for Rose, she entered the study with shaky hands and teary eyes.

"I'm sorry," Edward said to her as his own tears fell.

She shook her head back and forth but couldn't speak, so Edward walked over to kneel by her chair. "Rosalie, I am so sorry."

"Don't," she choked out, and tried to move her hand from under his. He pulled her into his arms and repeated the words into her ear several times.

"Please Edward," she begged through her sobs. "Don't be so kind, I don't deserve it."

"Yes you do, angel. You deserve it and more. I love you, Rose, but I was never in love with you. I played with the boys, but I was never a father to them. I can't let you go unless I know Emmett is in love with you and will be a good father to the boys."

"He's an amazing man," she assured Edward. "He loves me and the boys."

"I will do whatever you ask me to do," he said as the tears fell.

"Be my friend," she asked.

"Absolutely."

Alice was summoned next and Edward greeted her by pulling her tiny body onto his lap. "I never realized you stopped needing me, and that was just more abuse. Can you forgive me?"

"You saved me, Edward. You made me feel safe, so I could find real love, I will always treasure you for that," she said as she hugged him tightly.

"I have known Jasper awhile, he's a good man."

"He is patient, like you," she smiled.

"I will always be here for Julia, anything she needs don't hesitate to ask."

Alice nodded and then smiled at him again. "Bella is perfect for you, Rose and I would never leave if she wasn't in your life."

"Bella will be the death of me," he laughed.

"Good luck is all I can say," she laughed with him.

He kissed her softly and walked her to the door of his office. He didn't send for Bella and instead pulled out his journal to write. On the last page he found handwriting he didn't recognize. The page read:

**I am Edward Cullen. I like gin, and smoking relaxes me, I enjoy looking at naked women and find the female body to be beautiful, I like rock songs and I really rock at sex. A woman named Bella loves me more than her own life and will always love me, no matter what weaknesses I have, or how many times I sin. I am not perfect, but God already knows that, so I will settle for being happy.**

He put the journal down and climbed the stairs to knock on Bella's bedroom door. She softly told him it was open, and he walked in to see her sitting in the middle of her bed, with a terrified look on her face. His tears were falling freely and he knew with a certainty she was his lifeline. Everything he knew was fake, but she was real and he needed her.

"I drink, I smoke, I love popular music, your vitamins are birth control pills, and I was a horrible husband and father, but I love you more than my own life," he said quietly.

"I drank, and smoked, and snuck into clubs, I was taking my own birth control pills, and I was a horrible daughter with no morals, but I love you more than my own life," she admitted.

"I kind of figured that," he smiled.

She jumped up and sprinted across the bed and into his arms. He held her tightly opening his soul, his real soul, to let her in. She pulled him to the bed and they lay together just touching and reaffirming their love.

"Rose and Alice are leaving," he finally told her.

"How do you feel about it?" she asked.

"Relieved, now I know what love is, it would have been cruel to continue on like I was."

"Nobody is to blame, Edward."

"But somebody is responsible, and that is you, Love."

She looked at him warily and he smiled at her. "You are responsible for making us all very happy. It terrifies me to think what would have happened if old man Banner would have lived."

"It terrifies you, think of me trying to introduce sex toys to him," she cringed at the thought.

"He would have….wait….what?"

Bella laughed loudly and climbed on top of Edward letting her hair fall around them. "You graduated my dear, and college is about to begin," she teased him.

"You may find I have been a self taught student and don't need as much instruction as you think," he teased back.

"Oh, you will have to study….religiously."

"Hallelujah."

The transition was smooth and both women filed for divorce. Bella traveled with Edward whenever she could. It took several months, but she knew he was finally stripped down to the naked truth of who he was when he knelt one night in prayer and said only four words….."Forgive me, help me."

Edward, always a stalwart in the community, was being treated like the plague. People would no longer speak to him or acknowledge his presence in any way. His truck tires would be knifed and his windows egged by the good people of the community. It finally all came to a head when a mob, they called themselves the neighborhood watch, came to extend an invitation for them to move away.

"What have I done that is so offensive?" Edward asked them.

"You threw away your other wives," they accused him.

"I allowed them to choose, they chose to leave."

"You allow your wife to wear pants and let her wear her hair down sinfully."

_Oh, now they did it,_ Bella thought. Edward smiled and waited for the onslaught he was certain was coming. Bella stepped from the house and walked right up to the crowd, she looked at the men standing in front of their wives and turned to Edward. "May I dear?"

"Yes, you may, love." He actually felt a little sorry for the old men.

"You honestly think nobody notices your wives ass and tits because they are covered in gingham? It doesn't stop you old ball sacks from leering at our young bodies. And if pulling our hair like a horses bridle, as you ride us for all of twenty seconds isn't sinful, I can wear my hair any damn way I like."

The women covered their ears and mouths while the old men boiled at her nerve. "Oh come on, ladies," Bella yelled. "It's sex, it feels good, or at least it should if you have the right man and not some comb over, pot bellied, asthmatic, child molesting grandpa."

The men began escorting their wives from Bella's presence, so she yelled after them, "If you touch our house or truck again I will start educating your wives on what a real husband is like, and you old farts will have to start sucking each other's dicks!"

"Done, love?" Edward asked.

"For now," Bella answered.

The following night they had Rose, Emmett and the boys, along with Alice, Japer and their daughter all over for dinner. Edward loved spending time with the kids and the boys lit up with they saw Bella.

"Why did you name my boys Ozzie and Bono?" Rose demanded.

"You little traitors," Bella yelled to the boys.

"We didn't tell, Lady GaGa learned to talk better," they explained.

"Bella," Jasper said calmly. "I have a meat grinder and I can easily hide your body."

"Well at least the kid blinks now. She was really spooky for awhile."

"She was not even three, Bella," Alice explained.

"I don't know what that means, Alice."

"I can hardly wait until you have a baby," Rose and Alice agreed.

Edward and Bella each crossed a part of their bodies to ward off any birth control failure curse.

As the women set up the pot luck, Edward noticed how happy Rose and Alice were, and how well they finally got along with Bella. He couldn't even let himself imagine being married to either one of them. Bella was the only place he felt comfortable and real.

Everyone selected a pop, or a beer, and Bella reminded them to watch themselves as they left, surely some self appointed moral police would be ready to smite them for it. They ended the night when the kids began falling asleep and made plans to get together again soon.

Bella cleaned up the kitchen and walked into the bedroom to find Edward waiting for her. He was smiling provocatively and Bella knew he was up to something.

"What?" she asked with a smile on her face.

"Want to play?" he asked.

"Of course," she answered.

He pulled a video camera from behind his back and pointed to a tripod in the corner.

"Are you serious?" she giggled.

"Completely."

Bella grabbed the camera and began filming as he seductively removed all his clothing. She smiled into the viewer and decided to name the film, 'Big Daddy.'

…..anybody want a copy?


End file.
